Grown Man Crying

I’ve always known something wasn’t right. I have always had this emptiness that nothing could seem to fill. I have battled a lifetime with this feeling and have never been able to figure it out.

I lived my life as a child living in fear. At the age of three I was very sick and doctors said it’s because I wasn’t potty trained. I would go all day without using the bathroom, I had to, but I couldn’t when I tried. By the end of the day I would be in great pain and then relieve myself in bed at night. My mom finally got a doctor to listen after a year and I had kidney and bladder issues. Surgery corrected it, but the fear stayed with me.

I tell you this to show the early age of my fears, my pain and my feeling of no hope. This and so many other childhood experiences launched me into a world that was different from the “norm”. On the outside I played the part, watching others and mimicking their actions, their behaviors. My parents were to busy to raise six kids so they made their choices and unfortunately I wasn’t one of them.

I survived, that was it. I was ready to leave the nest, believing I was ready to conquer the world. I half heartedly made my way out. Unprepared, unaware and unguided, I headed out to make it on my own. My parents unwilling to help me I was like the fledgling eagle being dropped from 10,000 feet. I made it to the ground flapping my wings , but not quite sure how I made it.

I never really figured out how to soar on my own because unlike the eagle, I lacked those instincts. I have spent a lifetime giving enough to fly from tree to tree to sit and look majestic, while I watched so many others soar over me.

I always did enough to play the part, to get by. I always did it feeling empty and alone. I always tried to figure out what is wrong with me, I’ve been from counselor to counselor and never have really felt improvement. Over time I began to see I was making poor decisions but not realizing it. They started out small and became larger.

I think once I was told that maybe some type of program would help. Unfortunately like most things for me too expensive and too much time away from work. A missed opportunity, but one of many in my life.

I tell you all of this to bring you to current times. Over the summer I became very ill. Blood sugar spiking in the 500’s “unknown” reasons, to ending with renal failure. Physically I am fine, blood sugar is normal and under control, kidney functions are better, still have the damage from childhood. The issue I have is the “unknown” cause.

I talked with my counselor because with my health, my finances and my long record of poor decisions, something was wrong and I knew it. The thought of finding out the issue physical or mental scared me to death, but it had to be done.

Result STRESS, severe depression, anxiety and ptsd. My head is a mess. It was hard to admit this was my problem, but now I can admit it. Seeing how severe it is, I quickly got into an intensive outpatient program. I have just begun this long journey knowing I can’t change my past, but can work on a brighter future.

A lifetime of poor decisions, poor relationships, poor parenting and a life as a child, teenager and adult of no one really telling me my issues need attention. I feel like many, I fell through the cracks.

With all this said, there has been one constant, that is God. Yes I have been through a lot of internal and external pain and suffering. I have struggled through a life that has passed quickly in a lot of misery, but my faith has always given me hope and today I tell you my faith is stronger than ever. My faith in my true Father, God. My prayers bring comfort to me. To see He has directed me to where I am now is a miracle in itself. I can tell you just a few months ago I was lost and felt I had nowhere to turn to, now I have a new start.

This journey will by no means be easy, as a matter of fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will make it. As I sit hear crying, no my personal and financial problems just didn’t go away, but with the help I’m getting and placing it in God’s Hands, I know I will survive and prosper.

Dear Heavenly,

Thank you for guiding me in my new direction. Your guidance, though sometimes painful, shows the love You have for your children. I ask You to reach out to everyone, no matter what their illness may be and give them peace and comfort. Your presence in my life gives me the strength to battle on. Thank You again for the love of a true father

In Jesus name I pray.

Amen

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Does EVERYTHING Happen for a Reason

She asked me one more time, “Are you getting up and going to the gym with me?” Now keep in mind I did tell her the night before that I would. Of course that time came and after a terrible night sleep I wanted to trade a couple more hours of sleep for a trip to the gym, sleep won.

Once again I made the easy decision not necessarily the better decision. I woke up when she returned home. I realized then I’m doing the same thing I have done for most of my life. I took the easy way out and I once again placated someone. I’m not sure why I do these things other than habit a habit I’ve had all my life.

So as I began to wake up this morning I realized my placating is my personality. I placate my wife, my customers, family, friends and even myself which led me to my major revelation, am I placating God? T

I developed this terrible habit at a young age. It is shield, my protection and my tool. I needed it to be liked. To fit in. I needed it because I had no real identity. When you are an overweight child that isn’t really wanted by your own family, you have a hard time finding yourself. Yes I had friends, but I was the fat funny ugly friend. The one always invited last to most events. This is no slam on myself, I can admit it. This is what led me to my poor coping skills.

I pray, I pray A LOT! What I’m concerned about is am I placating God? Can you placate God? My opinion is no, because He is Truth. Does my placating upset Him and that is the reason my life is a wreck? Am I living the wrath of God in my own way because of placating? Probably because He wants truth. He wants words from the heart not the head. He wants us to reach out to Him as my Holy Father and ask for guidance and direction. I do have a family that cares, but it’s not of this world.

I have a lot of work to do and it starts with me. I have connected with the right people to help me get my life on the right path. I know that everything happens for a reason, but always look closely at the cause.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning, I chose sleep. But when I woke up, I truly woke up. I once again realized my wrong in placating my wife. I knew God was once again shaking His head at me. But through my guilt and these words I’ve typed, they just flowed from my heart. The words I believe God was placing there.

I have a long hard road ahead of me. I know with God’s Love & Mercy and maybe a miracle or two, I will prevail.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know I have done so much wrong. I look to You to please help guide me on the journey I’m about to undertake. I look for nothing more than Your Mercy & Love to guide me from this point forward.

I am asking You to forgive for all I have done in the past. It is truly with a heavy heart that I realize how lost I have truly been. I look for a brighter future so that I may truly experience the joy and happiness that you wish for all of your children.

In Jesus name, Amen

God bless all of you!

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What a Difference a Day Makes

“Hail Mary, full of grace.
Our Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.”

A prayer that has become a big part of my life. I will explain it later in my post.

Health issues have consumed my life over the past couple of months. Health issues that really had me thinking about death. I’ve never really feared death, but I think about those that I would leave behind.

I’m happy to report my kidney function is heading in the right direction, but other than being tired, I feel much better. This illness has really made me think about my life. My past, present and future.

I’ve thought about how I’ve gotten to what I hope is my rock bottom, yes I know it can still get worse, I pray not though. I have thought about all the times that I have “reinventedmyself. Let’s just say I have lived for decades not feeling like I’m really the person I’m supposed to be. I believe I was going by the belief “fake it until you make it.”

I think instead of once again attempting to “reinvent” myself, I need to “reinevitable” myself. Yes I know “reinevitable” is not a word, I made it up, but it works for me. It means to change what you are forcing to happen and allow the inevitable to happen or how God truly meant for you to be.

I’ve realized for most of my life I have forced myself to be someone that isn’t truly me, just to be accepted, just to be liked. It really didn’t work. I realized after my recent health issues that I don’t have many that truly care about me. I’m sorting through it all, but I’m finding myself ok with it. I realize my pain started as a young child trying to fit into a family that really didn’t have a place for me. I was in a family, but not really a part of it.

I need to allow the inevitable take place which is God’s plan, God’s desire, a life living in His Grace. It’s hard work to switch gears after all these decades, but I need to do this. The ugliness and there is plenty has to go. The anger eating at my soul has has controlled so many aspects of my life that I have to choice but to cleanse my soul of this ugliness that is part of my health issues.

The stress that I have let consume me has only manifested the rest of my problems. That is where “Hail Mary” comes in. When I feel the stress just boiling up I just stop and keep repeating the prayer until the feeling of love and comfort of my Heavenly Father consumes me. Yes, it’s only been a week, but it’s working.

So my journey continues, my health is improving and “reinevitable” seems to be my way to go.

God Bless

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The Answers Lie Somwhere

As I walked home from my emergency room visit today, yes I walked home after being in the ER, I had a few minutes to think. First of all my wife was a phone call and short drive away if I needed a ride. While a wasn’t feeling the best, I knew the short walk home would do me some good.

I once again walked away from a medical visit with no answer. Yes kidney function not good. Yes blood sugar high. Yes continued excessive tiredness, minor pain, slight numbness to right side of face and other minor issues, but nothing here for you.

So I walked home, not a long walk but a walk to reenforce my loneliness. How my life has gotten to the point of no matter what the situation, I turn around and no one is there. I hear everyone else’s problems, illnesses or anything else going wrong in their life and what can I do to fix it. My requests fall on deaf ears.

No family, no friends that really care. My days of one way communications have ended. I know in order to find the answers that I’m looking for, I need to start all over. I need to wipe my slate clean of all the hate, anger, pain and rage that I’ve been holding in for most of my life. It’s time to face the facts that the only way I’m can go forward is to truly leave my past behind.

Yes, I have my wife, but the damage my issues have caused may have permanently damaged our relationship. I watch and listen to her and I see the battle she has ahead for herself. I do love her, but until I fix myself, I can’t help her.

As you can tell, my faith at this point is shot. If God has a plan for me, I’ve missed it somewhere along the line. All aspects of my life at at rock bottom. I hear there is no way to go but up until I find the next hole to fall in to prove I can fall even further.

I don’t know how all this happened, other than the fact that I let it. I don’t know why I feel this is all some type of punishment. I finish this post with a lost heart, a soul that feels tormented and a life I have wasted. I know there are answers out there somewhere. I just need to find where those answers truly lie.

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I Will Survive

The new wasn’t good, but the concern was even worse. I received a call from a doctor who was no longer my doctor that they had received test results ordered by another doctor. The news wasn’t good, stage 4 renal failure. The question that followed made it even worse, “Have you been sick?” HAVE I BEEN SICK? I called you 1 month ago that my blood sugar is 493, am I sick? Not a question you want to hear from your doctor that is treating you.

So I once again finding myself questioning my faith. My faith in the medical system that has been ruined by government and insurance companies. A system that has gone from its purpose of serving the health of its patients and serving bureaucrats, corporate managers and pharmaceutical companies. It’s a scary situation.

Out of four of my doctors I heard from only one. I assume that a 10% kidney function is ok. It was my multiple phone calls. My persistence that got any results, as minimal as they were. It is an eye opening experience and one that has given me urge to stop and reflect on many areas of my life.

It dawned on me of how the institutions of my life have totally let me down. Family, friends, church, medical, educational and employers all along my life have let me down. I played along. I let it happened by playing the fool. The past several years have brought everything full circle and it all leads back to me.

Yes I played the fool. I was, I didn’t learn from my mistakes/experiences, I let the same things happen time and time again. As I’ve mentioned hundreds of times before, my people pleasing got in the way of me learning and changing. I forfeited my happiness at the expense of others. Others that in the long run never will be happy. Living miserable and taking all others with them.

I don’t know where I’m headed other than into a brick wall unless I steer myself in a different direction and steer it quickly. Quick adjustment now and I will survive.

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Tell Me There is a Reason fo All of This

Sometimes you’re just so busy running
Running round in circles
You never see you’re going nowhere
Sometimes you get so tired of chasing

Chasing after rainbows
You look around your life
And find no one’s there
No one’s there, no one’s there

Lyrics from Bill Medley’s Most of All You. Lyrics that so speak to me and my last 30 plus years of my life. I have spent most of my life chasing something that really was there. If you are curious what the something is, so am I. I don’t know what I’ve been seeking, I just know I haven’t found it. If this all sounds confusing to you, you’re not alone, I am too. So lost and alone pretty much sum it up.

I have been battling my diabetes lately. It has hit me at levels that I’ve never experienced. Levels that I was knocking on the door a a diabetic coma. Yes some very scary stuff. Scary enough to make me stop and think of how messed up I am and have been my entire life.

Like most of us I could start the laundry list of who or what to blame, yes there is plenty to go around. What I have realized is none of that matters. The only blame I want to concentrate on is my blame. The things I have done or not done that have gotten me to this point in life. A sad, lonely and unhappy point.

Some of you have been following my little faith journey. A journey that has come to a major crossroads. One that has finally found its day of reckoning and I need to make some major decisions and drastic changes in my life.

Yes, I feel I have looked around my life and found no one there, just as good old Bill had in his lyrics. Loneliness is a tough place to be. It’s dark, cold and confusing. Yes God is always with me. Yes I know God loves me, but what many don’t understand is if you don’t know how to feel loved, you don’t know you have it.

I’ve never really felt any all inspiring love. I’ve never felt it from my parents. I don’t feel it from my church and most of all I don’t feel it from God. I believe I don’t feel it because everywhere along the line from birth until now, I have never truly felt it.

It was never more obvious than over the past couple of weeks. I can’t really tell when the last time was that I felt truly close to a friend. I don’t have one that calls up and just says how are you. I don’t have one that will truly go out of there way for me. It hurts being alone.

I set myself up for this pain. I really don’t know what I truly expected. I left Facebook. It was hard to continually deal with Facebook “Friends” knowing in the real world I truly had none. I posted I was taking a break for health reason. I gave my email address and invited people to use it or if you have my phone #, give me a call.

In two weeks nothing. No calls, no emails, NOTHING! It’s sad. It bothers me, but I need to realize that is my life.

Decades of rejection. Decades of pain. Decades of loneliness. I weep. It hurts, but I hang on for hope. I hang on for love. I think of Job.

To recharge my faith, I must have faith. To have faith I must believe there is a reason for all of this. God please show me the way.

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I Can Only Imagine

Yes I purchased the movie and watched it for the first time and luckily in the privacy of my own home, because I cried like a baby. Yes this stone cold emotionless individual still has tears streaming down his face as he types this. I am numb, yet I am filled with sadness, regret, pain, sorrow, anger.

This movie truly brought out the true pains of my life that I have NEVER truly dealt with in any serious manner. I realize the help I have sought throughout my life has been so superficial. I realize that I have to let so much go. I realize the damage I have done to myself and continue to do by not releasing the terrible pain inside of my soul.

Bart Millard states that dad was the victim of an accident and his mother was a victim of a bad husband. The point is there are many that are victims and character is built from how you react to it. When I look deeply at my character it’s saddens me to how how I reacted and what I became. I never fixed my problem I only made it worse, I became a people pleasure, a placater or calling like it is, I’m a liar. I’m so untruthful to so many, but most of all to my self. Most of my relationships in life have been out of convenience. I realize never having that nurturing true love of a parent has prevented me from being truly vulnerable and has caused me to show a lack of emotion. I watched this movie renewing my pain. Remembering the true loneliness. My imagination being my real best friend and straddling that line between reality and fantasy. I currently care for the dad that was my monster. By no means do I compare him to any parent who continually physically abused their children, but there were moments. It’s the mental abuse. Hearing that you are worthless, never will amount to anything, kicked to the curb in so many situations. Today caring for my dad is a challenge. I’m the only one of his six children that has any relationship with him. He is beginning to suffer late stages of Alzheimer’s and dementia. He only still cares about his needs and wants. I know there will be no wonderful happy movie ending to our relationship. My dad will never realize the pain he caused to so many. He will never search for forgiveness from anyone, he has never understood the concept, but that’s not his fault. He was a victim. He was a victim of a father that kicked him to the curb at the age of five when his mother died giving birth. It’s sad. It’s sad of the decades of quality life the I let be robbed from me. The decades of anguish and pain that could have been avoided by knowing and living one magical word, forgiveness. Now by no means I’m saying I watched a 2 hour movie and now everything is blue sky and happiness, not so. If anything it has complicated life. I now have a lot to do to turn my life around. Will some become angry and resentful by my changes, sure, but it will truly be test of who truly cares and loves me. That test will start with myself. I have built a wall of protection around myself. This wall is layer after layer of fat. I became what I was told I was and never strives to be who I truly am. Is it too late, no it’s never too late, but I must start and I must start now. Tonight has been a true revelation. A song I’ve listened to hundreds of times and has been so inspirational to me, comes back full circle. Learning of the songs origin has truly brought greater meaning to me and a new direction. I pray for strength to truly be able to make the changes in life that I need to make. To truly heal my pain once and for all and to be who I’m truly meant to be.

God Bless

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