Yes, so many questions, but I have no answers. It's even hard for me to decide where to start this post. Not to offend anyone, but my life is just shit right now. All the decisions that I need to make only have choices I don't like.
My situation has many different variables. I know there are people in worse situations, something I hear a lot, but I always remind them there are people in better situations. Life at this point is intolerable. Nothing is right, nothing is easy. There is no enjoyment. No happiness. Love, trust, hope, relationships have all been lost and shattered.
The largest issue is unemployment. I have been without a job since last March. Daily I hear how unemployment is at its lowest and officially state there is no unemployment. REALLY!!!!! I can testify I am, so there IS unemployment. You place on top of that the I have been under employed for the past 10 years, it makes it that much more difficult.
Then there is my dad whom I have been taking care of for the past seven years. He has Alzheimer's, dementia, micro vascular disease on top of the layers of emotional crap he has suffered since childhood. I'm the only one of his 6 children that cares for him. I have a younger brother that occasionally visits, but that's it. His apartment at the assisted living facility he lives at has a bed bug infestation, a really bad one. Now on top of that, I took him to the state fair yesterday. He left in an ambulance after collapsing, I caught him, while walking around the fair. He is fine, it was dehydration and I think one too many corn dogs.
Dad #2: My father-in-law is legally blind, macular degeneration. He lives by himself, widowed in the past 18 months. Severe grief, depression and loneliness are overwhelming him. His confusion is becoming greater by the day and is seeking constant attention from my wife and myself. She has four siblings that are absent from helping him.
My wife is overwhelmed with work, her dad and the stress of an unemployed husband. She is at her wits end and can no longer enjoy the success and good things happening to others. She is at such a point she is unhappy with everyone including God.
I am at my wits end for the fact of all the interviews that I've had and the canned response, "OVER QUALIFIED." I'm out of answers and can only now to begin looking out of state. My wife will NOT move as long as her dad is alive, which means if I take an out of state job, I'm on my own.
My wife and I are worn out. We have cared for others for the past 25 plus years. We have NEVER looked for anything in return, but have been saddened by the lack of support that we have received from others. Emotionally we are crushed. Spiritually we are hurt. We don't know why we are going through this, but whatever the reason, I blame no one but myself.
I'm the one that trusted. I'm the one who has always believed in being a good person. I thought that being loyal and honest would go a long way. I now realize I have done nothing but fool myself. Yes fool, the way I truly feel about so much of my life. What I've believed. What I've bought into. What I have trusted. I seems it is all gone. What was once a dream is now only a nightmare. Life is now about just survival and nothing else.
I don't know where God really plays into this. I know I turned all over to Him. I don't blame God, He has bigger worries other than my problems. Mine are self induced issues that stem from my blind trust and faith. Faith that I have been attempting to recharge for years now.
I don't know how this will all end. I don't know where I'm headed. I don't know anything other than I'm lost. I'm confused. I keep following a light that I'm not sure is a light or just a reflection of my imagination.
Trust me this is a tough post to write. It gets harder and harder by the day. It is easier and easier to become so numb to everything. Right now I don't see any happy ending to this, but I will keep going. I may lose it all tomorrow with so many unanswered questions, but I will know one thing. I did all of this with faith and a servant heart.