I’ve always known something wasn’t right. I have always had this emptiness that nothing could seem to fill. I have battled a lifetime with this feeling and have never been able to figure it out.
I lived my life as a child living in fear. At the age of three I was very sick and doctors said it’s because I wasn’t potty trained. I would go all day without using the bathroom, I had to, but I couldn’t when I tried. By the end of the day I would be in great pain and then relieve myself in bed at night. My mom finally got a doctor to listen after a year and I had kidney and bladder issues. Surgery corrected it, but the fear stayed with me.
I tell you this to show the early age of my fears, my pain and my feeling of no hope. This and so many other childhood experiences launched me into a world that was different from the “norm”. On the outside I played the part, watching others and mimicking their actions, their behaviors. My parents were to busy to raise six kids so they made their choices and unfortunately I wasn’t one of them.
I survived, that was it. I was ready to leave the nest, believing I was ready to conquer the world. I half heartedly made my way out. Unprepared, unaware and unguided, I headed out to make it on my own. My parents unwilling to help me I was like the fledgling eagle being dropped from 10,000 feet. I made it to the ground flapping my wings , but not quite sure how I made it.
I never really figured out how to soar on my own because unlike the eagle, I lacked those instincts. I have spent a lifetime giving enough to fly from tree to tree to sit and look majestic, while I watched so many others soar over me.
I always did enough to play the part, to get by. I always did it feeling empty and alone. I always tried to figure out what is wrong with me, I’ve been from counselor to counselor and never have really felt improvement. Over time I began to see I was making poor decisions but not realizing it. They started out small and became larger.
I think once I was told that maybe some type of program would help. Unfortunately like most things for me too expensive and too much time away from work. A missed opportunity, but one of many in my life.
I tell you all of this to bring you to current times. Over the summer I became very ill. Blood sugar spiking in the 500’s “unknown” reasons, to ending with renal failure. Physically I am fine, blood sugar is normal and under control, kidney functions are better, still have the damage from childhood. The issue I have is the “unknown” cause.
I talked with my counselor because with my health, my finances and my long record of poor decisions, something was wrong and I knew it. The thought of finding out the issue physical or mental scared me to death, but it had to be done.
Result STRESS, severe depression, anxiety and ptsd. My head is a mess. It was hard to admit this was my problem, but now I can admit it. Seeing how severe it is, I quickly got into an intensive outpatient program. I have just begun this long journey knowing I can’t change my past, but can work on a brighter future.
A lifetime of poor decisions, poor relationships, poor parenting and a life as a child, teenager and adult of no one really telling me my issues need attention. I feel like many, I fell through the cracks.
With all this said, there has been one constant, that is God. Yes I have been through a lot of internal and external pain and suffering. I have struggled through a life that has passed quickly in a lot of misery, but my faith has always given me hope and today I tell you my faith is stronger than ever. My faith in my true Father, God. My prayers bring comfort to me. To see He has directed me to where I am now is a miracle in itself. I can tell you just a few months ago I was lost and felt I had nowhere to turn to, now I have a new start.
This journey will by no means be easy, as a matter of fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will make it. As I sit hear crying, no my personal and financial problems just didn’t go away, but with the help I’m getting and placing it in God’s Hands, I know I will survive and prosper.
Thank you for guiding me in my new direction. Your guidance, though sometimes painful, shows the love You have for your children. I ask You to reach out to everyone, no matter what their illness may be and give them peace and comfort. Your presence in my life gives me the strength to battle on. Thank You again for the love of a true father
In Jesus name I pray.