I remember a TV pastor once saying when he dies and goes to Heaven that there will be three things that will surprise him.
- The people who aren’t there.
- the people who are there.
- and that I’m there.
If you think about it there are no guarantees. There are many walking and have walked on this Earth thinking they have/had a direct pass to Heaven, not so. There are others thinking that they didn’t ever have a chance to make it to Heaven and now they will/are spending everyday with our Lord Jesus Christ. I myself currently fall in the latter, but I don’t think I’ll be surprised and make it to Heaven. I struggle doing what God requires of us and that’s forgiving, I just can’t do it. I have been so hurt by so many that forgiveness seems almost impossible or is it?
I had this run through my head today, I’m sure I know who put the thought there.
I need to tell you I’m sorry and I don’t know where to begin. I know how I have neglected and abused you both mentally and physically. I know that I haven’t shown you the support and trust that you truly deserve. I know that I have not helped give you the direction and attention that you need. I know you have felt lost as though there is nowhere to turn. Everyone that you ever felt that you could trust or depend on have vanished. They have disappeared from your life and now you feel all alone. I’m sorry, I never intended for our lives to be this way. The dreams, the plans and the hope they we once had seem to have left us long ago. We decided to settle, accept and let our life slip away from us. I’m sorry and I hope that you can find it in yourself to forgive me. I hope that I can hopefully look into this mirror again soon and realize that I have forgiven myself.
Corny, maybe, but this is what was placed in my head and on my heart. For me to begin expecting anyone else to forgive me, I need to learn to forgive myself. I have realized the lack of faith that I have in myself. I have noticed the attitudes of others and their actions around me. I feel I’m looked at and with all that has happened I feel they are looks of disappointment, looks as though I have really screwed up. I know that it’s just me, but it is how I feel.
I know my life is going through a very tough time, but I know it will turn for the good. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror again and be proud of how I handled it. I know God is with me. If He wasn’t I know that me and my life would have totally collapsed by now.