???????

It’s was 8:30 am and I looked around the empty front office area. There was no one around except for the receptionist and myself. If they weren’t running out in the plant, you would have thought it was a holiday. Yes I noticed some going to the main conference room, but I didn’t realize it was everyone except us two.

Around 11:00am the meeting started breaking up. Shortly there after they all started leaving the building, by noon it was back to just the two of us. After a quick conversation with the receptionist I was informed all twenty something office staff were invited to a team building meeting and outing, that is all office staff except myself. Yes even the receptionist was invited she just chose to stay back.

Disrespect, humiliation, anger, resentment and so many other thoughts consumed me and still do. I don’t know why I wasn’t invited or even given the respect of letting me know it was happening. I would rather be told professionally that I wasn’t going to be included rather than feel like the school kid in the class where everyone else was invited to the birthday party, but I’m the only one that’s not.

I have spent so much of my life on the outside looking in. Wanting to be apart of something. I’m the one that most people have forgotten about, excluded or just ignored, up to and including my own parents.

I know it’s all about forgiveness, moving on, but the constant beating and pounding my life has taken has just taken its toll. I have lost myself, I have realized I must be full of delusions’ of grandeur so maybe its time to realize this is life. Don’t expect things to truly turn around. Take my dreams my expectations place them in a box and just bury them.

The realization that my life has been full of so many wasted relationships, false hope’s and dreams. One dead end after another. So many life’s doors slammed in my face.  The lack of any real consistency. The one thing I keep coming back to is it must be me. I am the common denominator, but today’s event has definitely sent me over the edge. That is where all of this tirade is coming from. The hurt, humiliation I have once again suffered is too much to handle.

Defeat and hopelessness are beginning to once again consume me. If this is God’s plan, I am even more confused. I know I’ll survive this, but I’m tired of just surviving I want to thrive, but the battle has worn me out. It’s has been a life time of battles, a life time of defeat, why???????