My life has been a continuos jigsaw puzzle. I feel I have spent so much time trying to put all the pieces together only to get frustrated and give up. Then once I decide to back and start to work on it again, it seems someone has come along and messed it up. So I once again start to put it together again, a very vicious cycle.
I have thought for a long time I knew what my problem is. I always believed that it was the lack of guidance and discipline from my parents. This is probably part of it, but I have realized my life has lacked true parental love. I heard a tv pastor talking about life if you had a father that never showed love.
Unfortunately I have one of those fathers. I have never heard the “I love you” from him and when they are spoken to him he only replies “thank you”. You never want think that a parent doesn’t love you, but when that realization hits you the pain is tremendous. I don’t blame my dad, he had a tough life and no guidance himself, but that doesn’t lessen my pain.
The realization struck me that I would never be able to complete my puzzle because all the pieces were never there. All the pieces I needed to be a successful thriving person I never possessed. I know I did the best with what I had, but missing such a big part of your life and realizing so late in life is a struggle.
Just to give you a little info I am the third of six children of my parents. My siblings were given opportunities and support from my parents that were never offered to me. I couldn’t even get them to fill out financial information so that I could attend college.
I realized at a young age that if I was going to do this I would have to do it on my own. It has been tough and I can’t say its been an enjoyable life. I’m at a place now where my parents divorced after 51 years of marriage. My dad has Alzheimer’s and dementia. My mom and my siblings have kicked him to the curb which left me to pick up the pieces 5 years ago.
I have my dad in assisted living and I’m the only one visiting and taking care of him. My younger brother is there when needed, but visits are few and far between. Our relationship isn’t much different than when I was a child, it’s all about his comforts his needs and no appreciation for what I do. All the cutting comments he makes about me find there way back.
When he and I were in an argument early on after he was placed in assisted living. He couldn’t understand why I was doing what I was doing. I let him know it’s because God tells me to thru His commandments. He tells us to honor our Mother and Father. He doesn’t say only if they were good to you and spoiled you. How dishonorable is it to allow your parent to be on the streets when they don’t have to be. His reply, “You still believe in that crap?”, my reply “Yes and your lucky that I do.”
The reason for this long explanation to get to my point, is all about love from a father. I will never receive it from my earthly father. I’m told often about God, my Heavenly Father’s love for me, but with all of the hurt in my life, I’m not sure if I know how to accept His love and I question my ability to love. This is my journey. This is the battle with my faith. The life I have and live is not what I ever imagined. Accepting it is hard and enjoying it is even harder.
My journey continues my mind is open. I have so much work to do and so much life I want to live. I ask God to truly open my eyes and most of all my heart to His Love.