I have had two very tough two weeks. I suffered some painful physical injuries and some tough psychological pain. I struggle with the meaning of life. The devastation of the past two weeks have really taken its toll on me.
I realized those I trusted the most have deceived and used me. Losing faith in clergy and losing faith in the last remaining thread of connection with your family is hard. I have been doin a lot of thinking and not much blogging.
I have been doing a lot of hating and not much loving. I have submerged myself in negativity and have thrown optimism and hope out the window. A life of darkness is lonely, but it is one that I run to way too often. I sit in the darkness and blame myself. I can’t figure out why I have been purposely hurt by the ones I should have been protected and loved by the by the most.
An acquaintance of mine wants me to know God is always with me. We are never alone and the One who unconditionally loves us the most is always with us. I want to believe that and most of all I want to feel it. Once I realized all the deceit in my life, the feeling of being loved was zapped away from me.
I totally believe in the existence of God. I believe He created everything. I believe His only Son lived and then died for all of our sins. My problem is the accepting the fact that He is with me. To struggle as I have struggled throughout my life, it is hard to accept the fact that there is someone with all the time protecting me.
I’ve had those moments in life where I know He has been there, but I’m confused by the mental anguish I’ve suffered for too many decades.
My struggle with faith continues. My struggle for answers grows. I want to live. I want to experience the true happiness and unconditional love God wants for us, but it’s hard to find when stuck in all the darkness.