Monday was my birthday and for some reason it just seemed tougher than any in the past. I don’t know if it’s the reality of time passing me by or the realization of where I am at in life. It’s tough to have so much of your life just ripped from you without even knowing it. To be treated so terribly by a church that you have given so much to. To realize that those that were once there for you, really weren’t there for you. To realize the ones that you should trust the most, your parents, have never truly been there for you and have deceived me like some many others. The hurt is deep and the hurt is real.
I look around and wonder, where am I to turn to next? Does God really speak to us and most of all does he really listen. I was beginning to think “No” to both of those questions. It’s the typical hitting rock bottom and nowhere to go but up. Not for me. There always seems to be a new opening to appear at the bottom for me to fall in and to find out I still haven’t hit rock bottom. This past week has been one of those. I have felt different. I have felt more withdrawn and more anxious about things. I keep wondering why things don’t seem to get better. Then it hits me what the one constant in this is and that’s me. I the one thing and one thing only in this situation that I can personally change.
So yesterday morning I stood in my bathroom and prayed, why there, I wasn’t sure, but now I know. I prayed. I prayed for forgiveness. I prayed for guidance. I prayed for Him to enter my heart. I prayed for help in understanding why I have been deceived by so many. Then I asked the big question, please give me a sign. Let me know you can hear me. Let me know that I’m not alone. I opened my eyes and saw a reflection in the vanity mirror that I have never seen before. Looking at the mirror there were two identical reflections of me. Tears came to my eyes, I was not alone. I took this as God’s response to me. He is with me. He is beside me. It was another me because he made me in his image. I can’t explain the flood of emotions that consumed me. I knew at that moment the course of my life was changing.
I felt so much weight lifted from my shoulders. I felt more positive energy flow through me than I ever have. I’ve posted before about listening to God and how we need to listen for him many different ways. It may not be in words, but maybe in actions of another or something we witness, but God is here. God wants us to listen. God wants us to depend on Him. He will provide.
Dependence on God.
Matthew Chapter 6 25-34
25 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat [or drink], or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?
26 Look at the birds in the sky; they do not sow or reap, they gather nothing into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are not you more important than they?o
27 Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span?
28 Why are you anxious about clothes? Learn from the way the wild flowers grow. They do not work or spin.
29 But I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was clothed like one of them
30 If God so clothes the grass of the field, which grows today and is thrown into the oven tomorrow, will he not much more provide for you, O you of little faith?
31 So do not worry and say, ‘What are we to eat?’ or ‘What are we to drink?’ or ‘What are we to wear?’
32 All these things the pagans seek. Your heavenly Father knows that you need them all.
33 But seek first the kingdom [of God] and his righteousness,* and all these things will be given you besides.
34 Do not worry about tomorrow; tomorrow will take care of itself. Sufficient for a day is its own evil.
I truly need to turn all over to God. I need to let go of all the rejection, hurt and pain that I have allowed to control my life. I need to realize that all I need is God and His love. He will guide me. He will support me. He will provide for me. I need to do my part and do as he wishes. I must continue my work for unselfishly caring for others, even though they are ones I need to forgive. I need to realize I do matter and I am loved by Him just as much as the next person. I need to learn that it is one thing to feel God’s love. It is another thing to acknowledge God’s love. The thing I have learned the most is accepting God’s unconditional love.
My time of change has started. It has been a long climb up this mountain, but I can finally see the peak through the clouds. I don’t know what is waiting for me on the other side, but I approach it with the excitement of a child. I know whatever is there, it is what God has been preparing me for over my life.
Dear Heavenly Father,
I need to start with a big THANK YOU for laying Your hands on my mind, my soul and most of all my heart.
The love and excitement that You have filled me with is something I haven’t felt since I was a child.
I now truly know what it means to be a “Child of God”.
I for once can say I truly feel You working on me. Just not an emotional change, but also a physical one.
I truly thank You for putting me in a place that I have never been before.
In Jesus name I pray.