Last night was another night of poor sleep. I had strange dreams, small headache, various pains throughout my body and the weight of the world on my shoulders. I wondered how could one’s life change so drastically. The goals, the dreams just distant memories. Can I ever get it back.
I’ve been walking around in a fog. It’s like I’m existing as a spectator, just watching the world and my life pass. I know I’ve posted this mindset of mine many times, but it’s what eats at me. It’s the thing that hits to the core of my being and puts my life totally out of balance. I feel no value in my life. I feel unworthy of love and caring. I look around at all my relationships and friendships that seem to have vanished.
I feel at times it just me against the world. I know it’s not truly that way, but it’s just the feeling that I have. I have been doing a lot of reflecting and trying to put all the pieces of my life together. I’ve come to realize at no time in my life have I ever felt pure happiness in my life. Don’t get me wrong, my life has had plenty of happy moments, but 9 times out of 10 they seem to be ruined for one reason or another.
I keep wondering is it too late. Is it too late for me to still reach my goals or have a happy life or most of all live in a way pleasing to God. The one thing that always keeps me going is my faith in God. I know with a wink of an eye or a whisper of His Love, it can all change.
My unhappiness may be pleasing to God. I don’t mean God wants me to be unhappy, but the things I do which leads to my unhappiness, may be pleasing to God. For example as I have mentioned many times before, I am my Dad’s main caregiver. The man who ignored me unless being verbally abusive to me. The man who never was supportive to me in any of my activities. The man who never taught me responsibility or discipline is now dependent on me. The demands on my time. His complaining, his attitude are all hard for me to handle, but yet I do. The parent that did so little for the support of his child now receives support from that child.
It’s hard to watch my other five siblings, the ones who did get support, the ones that spent his money just fall away and have no contact for the past five years.
As unhappy as I may get doing this, I believe my action, although a struggle at times, hopefully please God because of my reason for caring for my Dad. God tells us to honor our Mother and Father. He doesn’t say only if they were good to you and spoiled you. So I continue and believe I grow as each day goes by.
So I think I’ve answered my own question, it’s never too late. Especially when God is in control.
I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.
The LORD is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving. Bless