I walked into work on Monday and was taken straight to HR where I was promptly informed my position had been eliminated and my services were no longer needed. I was escorted back to my desk to collect my belongings and escorted out of the building. Now out of a job, out of trust and once again out of faith.
The pain from this is extreme. I feel so alone. I once had such a big support group but it has disappeared. I can’t tell you that last time a friend or family member called to check on me. It’s been years since I have felt a part of anything. I have no feeling of purpose or value at this point of my life. I have WASTED my prime years of financial earnings to twist, turn and implode my own life seeking acceptance from others.
I feel my life has been pushed to the edge. Is it God testing me for the past 15 years? Have I been listening to something other than God and only fooling myself that I have been doing what He has desired. I have listened. I have acted. I have adapted. I have changed. I have sacrificed. I have lost. I have suffered. I have been tested time and time again and feel as though I have failed.
I feel I have failed my granddaughter, my daughter, my wife, myself and most of all God. I feel that my continuous feeling in being a failure at reaching my true purpose that God has planned for me has totally upended my life. I don’t think I can handle hearing I’m being prepared for something better or when one door closes another one opens. I’m at a point of enough is enough.
The amount of resentment, anger and depression has become more than I can handle. I pray and pray for an answer, help, forgiveness, guidance but most of all love. I never imagined that I would ever experience such a life of hurt and ugliness. I have lost so much trust and faith that I’m not quite sure where to turn to.
All I can ask for at this point are for some prayers. I have no idea what happens next. I have no idea what my future holds. The darkness and pain that I walk through has surrounded me for years. The toll this has a taken on my health terrible. I ask God to please relieve me of this, I hope He is listening.