I walked into work on Monday and was taken straight to HR where I was promptly informed my position had been eliminated and my services were no longer needed.  I was escorted back to my desk to collect my belongings and escorted out of the building.  Now out of a job, out of trust and once again out of faith.

The pain from this is extreme.  I feel so alone.  I once had such a big support group but it has disappeared.  I can’t tell you that last time a friend or family member called to check on me.  It’s been years since I have felt a part of anything.  I have no feeling of purpose or value at this point of my life.  I have WASTED my prime years of financial earnings to twist, turn and implode my own life seeking acceptance from others.

I feel my life has been pushed to the edge.  Is it God testing me for the past 15 years?  Have I been listening to something other than God and only fooling myself that I have been doing what He has desired.  I have listened.  I have acted.  I have adapted.  I have changed.  I have sacrificed.  I have lost.  I have suffered.  I have been tested time and time again and feel as though I have failed.

I feel I have failed my granddaughter, my daughter, my wife, myself and most of all God.  I feel that my continuous feeling in being a failure at reaching my true purpose that God has planned for me has totally upended my life.  I don’t think I can handle hearing I’m being prepared for something better or when one door closes another one opens.  I’m at a point of enough is enough.

The amount of resentment, anger and depression has become more than I can handle.  I pray and pray for an answer, help, forgiveness, guidance but most of all love.  I never imagined that I would ever experience such a life of hurt and ugliness.  I have lost so much trust and faith that I’m not quite sure where to turn to.  

All I can ask for at this point are for some prayers.  I have no idea what happens next.  I have no idea what my future holds.  The darkness and pain that I walk through has surrounded me for years.  The toll this has a taken on my health terrible.  I ask God to please relieve me of this, I hope He is listening.


About weightingtobe

On a journey for a full life.
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