It’s 3:00 am and the stresses of life are just choking me. I sit here and think about how irony has a way of kicking us in the ass. Irony has a way of exposing our vulnerability and most of all our gullibility.
I have struggled all of my life wondering why it was so hard for me to have good relationships. I can’t blame everyone else for this inability of mine. It’s not that I don’t want to have good relationships, I finally realize I don’t know how.
Like so many others and anyone that reads my post can tell, I dwell on the negative. I fuel myself on the many regrets in my life because I don’t know how to accept my successes and accomplishments on my own. I have strived all my life for that close bound and love that you get from family. I have always wanted the true love and concern from parents along with their enjoyment of appreciating and celebrating my life’s accomplishments, it’s not going to happen.
I see this more clearly now than ever. My daughter and my only child, had her bridal shower this past weekend. Not that it was a surprise, but no members from my family attended. No cousins, nieces, aunts, sisters or even my own mother came. My brother and mom have already RSVP’d that they will NOT be attending her wedding in six weeks because of illness, wink, wink.
I can only sit here and think about all the energy I have wasted in life trying to accomplish something that will never happen. Me trying to get attention and response from my family has been fruitless. It’s like I’ve spent my time and energy shining a flashlight at the sun to get its attention and a response. All I accomplished was wasting my time, energy and received a bad sunburn.
I know now I must find a way to move on. I need to quit using up life’s precious moments on things that will never be. To realize that my relationship with God must come first and then the rest of the pieces will come together. I need to use my energy talking, walking and loving The One who truly created me and I know loves me unconditionally. The road won’t be easy, but it will be easier with Him at my side.
Peace to all of you.