The upside to not be working is that I have more time to write. The downside to not be working is that I have more time to write. I have mentioned before that I never imagined that I would be writing and not only writing, but putting it out there for others to read. I look at this as therapy. A way for me to see what I’m going though and occasionally getting some feedback form others.
My wife and I have been going through quite a bit lately. I have my job loss. Our daughter is getting married in a couple of weeks. My wifehas received another job offer, but can’t decide whether or not to walk away after 15 years at here current job. My Dad’s Alzheimer’s and dementia is getting worse and is needing more and more attention from me. I’m all over the map with one minute having some great job prospects to struggling with will I ever work again. I pray. I ask for guidance. I give thanks for what I do have, but yet I have finally realized this past weekend the one thing I have not admitted to myself and really dealt with, the large amount of hate and anger that I have, I had no idea.
Listening to my wife go over the pro’s and cons of this new opportunity verses her current job. Listening to all the drama that went on at my daughter’s bachelorette party. Dealing with my Dad’s anger and attitude of entitlement. Struggling with my ability to trust and keep my feelings of hope alive. I came to one conclusion and I felt myself reaching my boiling point, I am one MAD and ANGRY person.
I never realized until this weekend how much I have kept stored inside of me. The urge of just wanting to erupt like a huge volcano. The moment that every negative word I heard just cut into me like a knife. The resentment and jealousy I was feeling from seeing so many enjoying nice vacations during spring break, while I scramble for a job so I can just pay my bills.
I never realized the hurt and anger buried inside of me. The layers of pain that have accumulated from a lifetime of struggles. The internal battle of right versus wrong and purpose versus desires. The years of struggle trying to find direction and acceptance with my life. The pain of a hardened soul from years of abandonment and personal neglect.
I sit feeling alone in my battle. A struggle I have battled most of my life. My mental and physical health paid the price. The many times that I kept quiet or placated in order to keep peace or be accepted knowing my actions were wrong. The many times I’ve allowed myself to be walked on, insulted and humiliated. A life of struggles that NEVER had to be or should have been.
I have a lot of unknowns ahead of me. I have a huge mountain to climb. I have a rough road to travel ahead of me that I can’t and will not be traveling alone. I lay all of this at the feet of God. I give it ALL to HIM so that I can move forward.
I ask anyone who may read this to throw a little prayer my way, I could sure use it. I know I will conquer. I know I will persevere. I will succeed because I believe. I have faith. I have God.