This past week was quite the wake up call for me. I continue to struggle to find employment. I took my Dad for his six month neurologist appointment. My brother had his 25th wedding anniversary. I realized how out of sink my life is with the world around me.
My week started fairly upbeat with three pretty good job leads, then within 30 minutes one morning all three opportunities began to evaporate. The one I was hoping for, they couldn’t figure out the arrangements for the second interview, guess I’m not a priority.
The other two prospects went as quickly as they came. The one job which appeared to be a for sure thing went to someone else. The other company which is expanding and has all kinds of positions didn’t have anything for someone with my “skill set”, which is information technology and accounting, So current job prospects are looking bleak.
I took my dad to his neurologist appointment and his scores are making larger declines. The results of his disease are starting to show with the great confusion, his attitude and his hygiene. I did take him to buy a suit for my daughters wedding, but like most other things it is short lived in his memory.
My brother had his 25th wedding anniversary. His three children held an open house for them. I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to make it. Once I learned that if I didn’t take my dad, then he wasn’t going to be able to attend. I knew if he went he would enjoy it. So I got him there. I was impressed by the amount of people that were there to pay respect to them for this achievement. The out pouring of love from their church family is amazing.
The one thing I realized is my life is not about me. My life is based on everyone else around me until I no longer have any value to them. Even those closest to me, and there aren’t many, begin to demean and degrade me when my needs or desires don’t fit into their schedule.
The past few days have been very hurtful. They left me with a feeling of very little value and a loneliness that I have never felt. I realize the more I work for the “things” I want in my life, the lonelier I am. I begin to believe that it must be me, so I always fall back into line to accommodate the world while inside of me I am losing myself.
I don’t blame those around me, they’re the ones I surrounded my self with. I’ve never stood up for myself. I’ve never pursued My dreams, I have existed. I have “people pleased.” I have spent my life struggling for the acceptance of others and now most of them are no longer in my life.
I pray for answers. I pray for this hurt and pain to go away. I pray to feel what it means to be truly happy. I pray for that miracle to send my life in the direction that I always dreamed it would be.
I work hard to love God with all my heart, mind and soul. I try to love my neighbor as myself. My problem is I don’t feel it. When you don’t feel it from your earthly parents or the ones that are closest to you, that empty feeling begins to consume you. When you feel your world crumbling around you because you have worried and focused on everyone else and have lost yourself, it all begins to take its toll.
I start my day realizing it is once again another day that I will be doing for others. This time I take to write and post to this page is generally the only “my time” in my day. I know this is not how it is supposed to be, but I’m not ready to face the losses when I begin truly pursuing my happiness.
I will once again take on this day and like most others feel unfulfilled when it has ended. So as I prepare to hit “post” my day is over as far as “my time”. I now go and lose myself in everyone else lives.