I’ve Become What I Despise

I LOVE my sports movies, “Hoosiers”, “The Natural”, “Blue Chips”, “Field of Dreams” and “Brian’s Song” to name a few.  There is a line in one of these movies where the coach is admitting his mistakes and admits “I’ve become what I despise.”  So simple, so direct, so me.

We all make mistakes, we are all sinners.  It’s the ability to notice and admit it that is key.  This coach went to lengths to once again have a winning team.  He fell victim to the system.  He wasn’t strong enough to fight the temptation to do what he thought needed to be done.  He knew rules would be broken.  He ran a clean program to that point, but the pressures of winning won out.

This by no means makes him a bad person just one that got lost in the moment, then found himself.  He finally did the right thing and admitted his wrongs, apologized to all that were hurt. He resigned his position and moved on to do what he loves and that is to coach.

This sounds so similar to my situation.  For years I have tried to do what’s right.  I’m not perfect, but I strive to be a good person.  Over the past several years I have failed.  I have been in work environments that have caused me to be someone I’m not.  I allowed my ego, my people pleasing and my placating to rule my life.  My fear of not being accepted and alone has consumed me and I have been untruthful too so many including myself. 

I have driven my life in a direction that I always despised.  The fake attitude of caring and having compassion for others.  I have watched peers just downright lie to employees about caring only to rip away their livelyhood and reputations behind their backs.

I find myself during this process of finding employment pushing me into directions that I don’t want to head, but totally out of desperation.  “Desperate times call for desperate measures”, but desperate doesn’t mean a bad thing, just something you normally wouldn’t do.

I am getting desperate, I have truly done something I have NEVER done.  I have truly turned this over to God.  I have said the words in many situations in my life.  This is the first time I have truly done it and feel God at work.  

I know the road ahead may not be easy.  I know God’s plan may take some time to be obvious to me.  But as long as I can keep from being like those that I despise and stay TRUE to myself, let. GOD’S WILL be done.

About weightingtobe

On a journey for a full life.
This entry was posted in Christian, Faith, God, Jesus, Prayer, Religion, Self Improvement. Bookmark the permalink.

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