Becoming numb to so many things is a terrible feeling. When your emotions take such wide swings in so many directions in such a short time, you just want to shutdown. One minute you are working for a Fortune 500 company, your daughter is getting married in a month, you have a wonderful granddaughter and your elderly father is comfortable and being taken care of.
The all of a sudden, “BAM” you become a reduction in work force. You worry about finances and meeting your commitment to your daughter’s wedding. Your dad is becoming increasingly worse and you feel yourself nosediving. You realize the bind you are in and the lack or non existent help you have from family and friends. You begin to judge your own character and why you find yourself all alone.
You spend way too much time analyzing EVERYTHING, trying to find fault of why things have turned out the way the have. You realize your living a life that is not yours but one created by those around you. You realize the bending, twisting and stretching of your life that you’ve done for everyone else, you realize that you’ve broken your own life.
It’s the moment you realize it’s time for drastic changes, the realization you are allowed to peace, joy and happiness. The three things that you allowed to be taken from your life by so many others. The pain of realizing that you allowed it to happen. Yes I am in control of my own happiness and no one else.
It’s being aware of the struggles you face battling to not just to regain your life, but just having a life. There are people that will resent the fact I am seeking my own life, but that is their cross to bear.
It’s hard to describe how fatigued I am. I don’t feel helpless or defeated, I just feel ready to conquer my own life. I believe I’ve done enough for others in assisting in their lives, it’s time for me to focus some on me.
I know I have many battles ahead of me and Jesus will be beside me all the way. My Holy Father wants nothing but the best for me, but I must do my part to receive it.
12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;
My life isn’t bleak. It has its highs and lows. I do know that I got to fulfill the dream of all fathers who have a daughter. I got to dance with her at her wedding. God is good.