I started to write a book about ten years ago. It is a out how I turned my life around from all the adversity and health issues I have faced all my life. The ironic part was that at this point in life, adversity had actually gotten worse. My writing hit a roadblock and here I am 10 years later with my unfinished book.
I have always wondered how I got to where I am. I know that so many come from homes where we become adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families. I have known this for several years now, but haven’t truly worked through it. I have no relationship with my family. Yes , I take care of my dad, but his battle with Alzheimer’s is taking it’s toll and he really has no memory of the horrors of our family life. It is all so confusing to him why he doesn’t see any of his other 5 children and it’s not my place tell him.
I was raised in small town Indiana and to this day fight the scars of my childhood. I will skip the details, that’s for another day, but I really didn’t know why I can’t turn my life around. Why I continually fell back into the same pattern time and time again. I continually sacrificed my future, my life and my well being for the sake of others. I always had to pay a high price for others to like me. Family and friendship always came at a great cost to me.
I find myself at this time of my life jobless, friendless and holding on by the skin of my teeth. I have accepted that God is in control and feel the comfort of that, but it doesn’t fix the confusion of what I have considered life. I hear the tough life my father had. I hear about the strict disciplinarians that my mother had as parents. I think my parents and their lack of positive influence in my life was a result of their own childhoods.
I recently completed reading a book written by a high school classmate of mine. The book is “Driving with Dead People”, by Monica Holloway. The book took me back to my childhood and opened my eyes to the truth. I can report that physically I did not suffer at the hands of my parents, but my scars and pain of the mental abuse are just as devastating.
My eyes are opened. My vision is clearer. I truly believe I can now move forward and TRULY change my life. I have a lot of work to do, but now I have direction. Now I have validation. Now I feel truly free.
True love and faith in God can do wondrous things, including moving forward with our lives feeling His true love for us.
The journey continues.