As I looked around the sanctuary at Mass this morning I came to a huge observation, I don't no anyone here. Other than one person we ran into that is not a parishioner that I went to high school with, I knew no one. Let me correct that, I know the priest and my wife who was with me. So out of 1,500 people I knew 3. Not much of a comforting feeling.
I then returned home to my house on our little cul-de-sac. I stood in the driveway and realized I haven't had a real conversation with a neighbor in weeks. Some neighbors it's been years since I talked to them. It is just amazing what has happened with my life. I looked around and thought to myself, "Where am I? How did I get here?"
I am actually to the point that it really doesn't matter where I am and how I got here. I know I want out and I'm the one that has to do it. Daily I work hard to get a job in a line of work I don't want to do in a place I don't want to be. I understand that in life we have to make sacrifices. Well that's all my life has been a life of sacrifice. A life of working hard to get to a place I don't want to be.
I emotionally battle everyday the loss of time in my life. The time I have given others hoping to be loved, accepted and a part of something, It is hard seeing your spouse and feeling that loss of connection. The treatment that makes you feel incompetent and useless. The look that everything you say or do is wrong or scrutinized. The daily feeling that you have lost so much and have no one to blame but yourself because you never wised up to your own shortcomings.
You never realized the hurt and pain brought on from parents that never showed not only unconditional love, but no love at all. You find yourself swimming in a sea of regret because you have never been able to find that place in life where you have felt wanted and accepted.
Time quickly passes and those moments of uncertainty and self doubt turn into a lifetime. Those that weren't there for you are the ones that you are now bending over backwards for and you realize nothing has changed other than they expect more and more from you,
I find myself digging deep into my memory to hopefully find that moment or time in life that I was truly happy. A time where I could be the authentic me. It's a place hidden deep in my past, that many don't want me to return to. If I would return to that place some would be bothered for that fact that I would actually think about caring for myself. It's a place of happiness because everyone there wants to be there. Existence is not an obligation but a privilege. You enjoy doing for others because it's appreciated and guess what others do the same for you.
I know this post may appear to be self loathing and quite the pity party, but it's not. I ALLOWED THIS TO HAPPEN. I blame no one else. I have the ability to say no. I know right from wrong, but still lack that true feeling of being. But you know what, I can change that. It won't be easy. There will be some tears and hurt feelings, but I can no longer continue down this path.
Change is good. Change is hard. But change can allow me to know, where I am.