I Can Only Imagine

Yes I purchased the movie and watched it for the first time and luckily in the privacy of my own home, because I cried like a baby. Yes this stone cold emotionless individual still has tears streaming down his face as he types this. I am numb, yet I am filled with sadness, regret, pain, sorrow, anger.

This movie truly brought out the true pains of my life that I have NEVER truly dealt with in any serious manner. I realize the help I have sought throughout my life has been so superficial. I realize that I have to let so much go. I realize the damage I have done to myself and continue to do by not releasing the terrible pain inside of my soul.

Bart Millard states that dad was the victim of an accident and his mother was a victim of a bad husband. The point is there are many that are victims and character is built from how you react to it. When I look deeply at my character it’s saddens me to how how I reacted and what I became. I never fixed my problem I only made it worse, I became a people pleasure, a placater or calling like it is, I’m a liar. I’m so untruthful to so many, but most of all to my self. Most of my relationships in life have been out of convenience. I realize never having that nurturing true love of a parent has prevented me from being truly vulnerable and has caused me to show a lack of emotion. I watched this movie renewing my pain. Remembering the true loneliness. My imagination being my real best friend and straddling that line between reality and fantasy. I currently care for the dad that was my monster. By no means do I compare him to any parent who continually physically abused their children, but there were moments. It’s the mental abuse. Hearing that you are worthless, never will amount to anything, kicked to the curb in so many situations. Today caring for my dad is a challenge. I’m the only one of his six children that has any relationship with him. He is beginning to suffer late stages of Alzheimer’s and dementia. He only still cares about his needs and wants. I know there will be no wonderful happy movie ending to our relationship. My dad will never realize the pain he caused to so many. He will never search for forgiveness from anyone, he has never understood the concept, but that’s not his fault. He was a victim. He was a victim of a father that kicked him to the curb at the age of five when his mother died giving birth. It’s sad. It’s sad of the decades of quality life the I let be robbed from me. The decades of anguish and pain that could have been avoided by knowing and living one magical word, forgiveness. Now by no means I’m saying I watched a 2 hour movie and now everything is blue sky and happiness, not so. If anything it has complicated life. I now have a lot to do to turn my life around. Will some become angry and resentful by my changes, sure, but it will truly be test of who truly cares and loves me. That test will start with myself. I have built a wall of protection around myself. This wall is layer after layer of fat. I became what I was told I was and never strives to be who I truly am. Is it too late, no it’s never too late, but I must start and I must start now. Tonight has been a true revelation. A song I’ve listened to hundreds of times and has been so inspirational to me, comes back full circle. Learning of the songs origin has truly brought greater meaning to me and a new direction. I pray for strength to truly be able to make the changes in life that I need to make. To truly heal my pain once and for all and to be who I’m truly meant to be.

God Bless

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About weightingtobe

On a journey for a full life.
This entry was posted in Christian, Faith, God, Jesus, Prayer, Religion, Self Improvement. Bookmark the permalink.

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