Hello everyone, it has been months since I have posted anything. Depression has a way of keeping us from the things that we truly enjoy. I love blogging and really don’t care how many it gets read by. I’m like most of you just sharing and hoping that we may have just one little nugget of information that may help someone.
A song that I have heard many times, but never listened to, really struck a chord with me recently. I have been struggling with life in general and have lacked the skills and the knowledge to get life turned around. This song has really made me think and to put my life in perspective. It’s a Bill Medley song “Most of All You” from “Major League.” This part of the song really hit me upside the head.
Sometimes you’re just so busy running
Running round in circles
You never see you’re going nowhere
Sometimes you get so tired of chasing
Chasing after rainbows
You look around your life
And find no one’s there
No one’s there, no one’s there
Yes, I just heard it one day and realized, that’s me. I realized through so much as my life though there were so many around me, but I was still lonely. I had so many people in and out of my life, yet no one who was there to help me, guide me, let me know things will be ok. Loneliness is a horrible feeling. I see myself standing here with eyes staring at me. People soaking up the failure that seems to pour out of my soul. A life lost, from no guidance or direction. A life full of thoughts and no action. A life lost from letting so many others get to me and let me feel inferior and not worthy have true happiness in my life. A life that I have truly been destroying the past year as I quickly destroyed mine and my wife’s finances.
I am probably at the lowest of my lows at this point of my life. The grief that I feel from wasting the last 12 years of my life. The humiliation I feel for letting so many make me feel so unworthy. Yes this is my pity party. Yes I am disgusted with myself. I’m quickly losing hope. I losing trust in myself. I have prayed. I talk to God constantly. I ask for guidance, forgiveness, direction, healing, happiness. I give thanks for the treasures in my life, my family, friends, health and what I do have, but nothing changes. Nothing changes because I don’t change.
I know there are people in this world that have it tougher than me. I know that things could be much worse, but you know what, that doesn’t fix my issues. I entered into my current phase of life in blind faith. Faith that God gave me a sign to be here. Faith that this IS what I’m supposed to be doing.
Am I in over my head? I don’t know. What I do know is I can’t fix this on my own. I can’t move forward without some input. I am lost. I have been humbled. I need His answers. I need His approval. I need for Him to let me know it will be alright and until He does, I wait, knowing He is here. I am lonely, but not alone.