As I walked home from my emergency room visit today, yes I walked home after being in the ER, I had a few minutes to think. First of all my wife was a phone call and short drive away if I needed a ride. While a wasn’t feeling the best, I knew the short walk home would do me some good.
I once again walked away from a medical visit with no answer. Yes kidney function not good. Yes blood sugar high. Yes continued excessive tiredness, minor pain, slight numbness to right side of face and other minor issues, but nothing here for you.
So I walked home, not a long walk but a walk to reenforce my loneliness. How my life has gotten to the point of no matter what the situation, I turn around and no one is there. I hear everyone else’s problems, illnesses or anything else going wrong in their life and what can I do to fix it. My requests fall on deaf ears.
No family, no friends that really care. My days of one way communications have ended. I know in order to find the answers that I’m looking for, I need to start all over. I need to wipe my slate clean of all the hate, anger, pain and rage that I’ve been holding in for most of my life. It’s time to face the facts that the only way I’m can go forward is to truly leave my past behind.
Yes, I have my wife, but the damage my issues have caused may have permanently damaged our relationship. I watch and listen to her and I see the battle she has ahead for herself. I do love her, but until I fix myself, I can’t help her.
As you can tell, my faith at this point is shot. If God has a plan for me, I’ve missed it somewhere along the line. All aspects of my life at at rock bottom. I hear there is no way to go but up until I find the next hole to fall in to prove I can fall even further.
I don’t know how all this happened, other than the fact that I let it. I don’t know why I feel this is all some type of punishment. I finish this post with a lost heart, a soul that feels tormented and a life I have wasted. I know there are answers out there somewhere. I just need to find where those answers truly lie.