“Hail Mary, full of grace.
Our Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
A prayer that has become a big part of my life. I will explain it later in my post.
Health issues have consumed my life over the past couple of months. Health issues that really had me thinking about death. I’ve never really feared death, but I think about those that I would leave behind.
I’m happy to report my kidney function is heading in the right direction, but other than being tired, I feel much better. This illness has really made me think about my life. My past, present and future.
I’ve thought about how I’ve gotten to what I hope is my rock bottom, yes I know it can still get worse, I pray not though. I have thought about all the times that I have “reinvented” myself. Let’s just say I have lived for decades not feeling like I’m really the person I’m supposed to be. I believe I was going by the belief “fake it until you make it.”
I think instead of once again attempting to “reinvent” myself, I need to “reinevitable” myself. Yes I know “reinevitable” is not a word, I made it up, but it works for me. It means to change what you are forcing to happen and allow the inevitable to happen or how God truly meant for you to be.
I’ve realized for most of my life I have forced myself to be someone that isn’t truly me, just to be accepted, just to be liked. It really didn’t work. I realized after my recent health issues that I don’t have many that truly care about me. I’m sorting through it all, but I’m finding myself ok with it. I realize my pain started as a young child trying to fit into a family that really didn’t have a place for me. I was in a family, but not really a part of it.
I need to allow the inevitable take place which is God’s plan, God’s desire, a life living in His Grace. It’s hard work to switch gears after all these decades, but I need to do this. The ugliness and there is plenty has to go. The anger eating at my soul has has controlled so many aspects of my life that I have to choice but to cleanse my soul of this ugliness that is part of my health issues.
The stress that I have let consume me has only manifested the rest of my problems. That is where “Hail Mary” comes in. When I feel the stress just boiling up I just stop and keep repeating the prayer until the feeling of love and comfort of my Heavenly Father consumes me. Yes, it’s only been a week, but it’s working.
So my journey continues, my health is improving and “reinevitable” seems to be my way to go.