What a Difference a Day Makes

“Hail Mary, full of grace.
Our Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women,
and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God,
pray for us sinners,
now and at the hour of our death.
Amen.”

A prayer that has become a big part of my life. I will explain it later in my post.

Health issues have consumed my life over the past couple of months. Health issues that really had me thinking about death. I’ve never really feared death, but I think about those that I would leave behind.

I’m happy to report my kidney function is heading in the right direction, but other than being tired, I feel much better. This illness has really made me think about my life. My past, present and future.

I’ve thought about how I’ve gotten to what I hope is my rock bottom, yes I know it can still get worse, I pray not though. I have thought about all the times that I have “reinventedmyself. Let’s just say I have lived for decades not feeling like I’m really the person I’m supposed to be. I believe I was going by the belief “fake it until you make it.”

I think instead of once again attempting to “reinvent” myself, I need to “reinevitable” myself. Yes I know “reinevitable” is not a word, I made it up, but it works for me. It means to change what you are forcing to happen and allow the inevitable to happen or how God truly meant for you to be.

I’ve realized for most of my life I have forced myself to be someone that isn’t truly me, just to be accepted, just to be liked. It really didn’t work. I realized after my recent health issues that I don’t have many that truly care about me. I’m sorting through it all, but I’m finding myself ok with it. I realize my pain started as a young child trying to fit into a family that really didn’t have a place for me. I was in a family, but not really a part of it.

I need to allow the inevitable take place which is God’s plan, God’s desire, a life living in His Grace. It’s hard work to switch gears after all these decades, but I need to do this. The ugliness and there is plenty has to go. The anger eating at my soul has has controlled so many aspects of my life that I have to choice but to cleanse my soul of this ugliness that is part of my health issues.

The stress that I have let consume me has only manifested the rest of my problems. That is where “Hail Mary” comes in. When I feel the stress just boiling up I just stop and keep repeating the prayer until the feeling of love and comfort of my Heavenly Father consumes me. Yes, it’s only been a week, but it’s working.

So my journey continues, my health is improving and “reinevitable” seems to be my way to go.

God Bless

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About weightingtobe

On a journey for a full life.
This entry was posted in Christian, Faith, God, Jesus, Prayer, Religion, Self Improvement. Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to What a Difference a Day Makes

  1. Greg Bowman says:

    Thought this speaks a bit to some of your recent posts. Hope it might help. Praying for you.

    Richard Rohr’s Daily Meditation
    From the Center for Action and Contemplation

    Week Thirty-seven

    Shadow Work

    Facing Reality
    Friday, September 13, 2019

    To love is to be conscious, and to be fully conscious would mean we are capable of loving. Sin always proceeds from lack of consciousness. Most people are just not aware and not fully living in their own present moment. When Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, they don’t know what they’re doing” (Luke 23:34), he was absolutely right. Most people are on cruise control, and most of their reactions are habituated responses—not fully conscious choices.
    We may have moments when we are conscious of our real motivations and actual goals, but it takes years of practice, honesty, and humility to be consistently awake. Whenever we do not love, we are at that moment unconscious. If we consistently choose to defend our imagined state of separateness, then, spiritually speaking, we are unconscious, or in religious language “in sin.” As has often been said, unless we make the unconscious conscious, it will direct our life and we will think of it as fate.
    Spiritual maturity is to become aware that we are not the persona (mask) we have been presenting to others. That is why saints are humble and scoundrels are arrogant. We must become intentional about recognizing and embracing our shadows. Religion’s word for this is quite simply forgiveness, which is pivotal and central on the path of transformation.
    This can be painful as we realize that even when we thought we were loving, we often really weren’t. And when we thought we were bad and sinful, we often weren’t that either! Facing reality is also liberating because we recognize that our manufactured self-image is nothing substantial or lasting; it is just created out of our own mind, desire, and choice—and everyone else’s opinions of us! The movement to second-half-of-life wisdom requires serious shadow work and the emergence of healthy self-critical thinking—but without condemning or shaming that same self. That is the truly “narrow gate and hard road that few follow upon” (Matthew 7:14).
    There is no shortage of opportunities to discover your personal or corporate shadow. As Jung said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” [1] In the end, the face we turn toward ourself is the face we will turn toward the outer world.

    Like

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