Always a Missing Link

I started to write a book about ten years ago.  It is a out how I turned my life around from all the adversity and health issues I have faced all my life.  The ironic part was that at this point in life, adversity had actually gotten worse.  My writing hit a roadblock and here I am 10 years later with my unfinished book.

I have always wondered how I got to where I am.  I know that so many come from homes where we become adult children of alcoholics and dysfunctional families.  I have known this for several years now, but haven’t truly worked through it.  I have no relationship with my family.  Yes , I take care of my dad, but his battle with Alzheimer’s is taking it’s toll and he really has no memory of the horrors of our family life.  It is all so confusing to him why he doesn’t see any of his other 5 children and it’s not my place tell him.

I was raised in small town Indiana and to this day fight the scars of my childhood.  I will skip the details, that’s for another day, but I really didn’t know why I can’t turn my life around.  Why I continually fell back into the same pattern time and time again.  I continually sacrificed my future, my life and my well being for the sake of others.  I always had to pay a high price for others to like me.  Family and friendship always came at a great cost to me.

I find myself at this time of my life jobless, friendless and holding on by the skin of my teeth.  I have accepted that God is in control and feel the comfort of that, but it doesn’t fix the confusion of what I have considered life.  I hear the tough life my father had.  I hear about the strict disciplinarians that my mother had as parents.  I think my parents and their lack of positive influence in my life was a result of their own childhoods.

I recently completed reading a book written by a high school classmate of mine.  The book is “Driving with Dead People”, by Monica Holloway.  The book took me back to my childhood and opened my eyes to the truth.  I can report that physically I did not suffer at the hands of my parents, but my scars and pain of the mental abuse are just as devastating.

My eyes are opened.  My vision is clearer.  I truly believe I can now move forward and TRULY change my life.  I have a lot of work to do, but now I have direction.  Now I have validation.  Now I feel truly free.

True love and faith in God can do wondrous things, including moving forward with our lives feeling His true love for us.

The journey continues.

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At Peace

Matthew 6:33
33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

There is so much going on in my life that it would be so easy just to go over the edge.  I still have not been able to find employment since March.  So many “friends” have vanished.  Family has become scarce and I feel GREAT!  I know that that may sound strange, but I am so at peace right now, it’s almost scares me.

I have mentioned before about how I have turned my situation over to God and it feels fantastic.  This isn’t the first time I’ve said it, but it’s the first time I’ve truly done it and AWESOME is how I would describe it.  

I know I have responsibilities, I known I need to do my part, but to have this comfort knowing the most powerful and loving One is protecting and guiding me. I knownI have work ahead of me, I know it won’t be all sunshine and roses, but I do know that this life is going to be fantastic from this point on.

I realize how so many in my life have been holding me back.  I realize I have been holding myself back.  I have learned through the love and compassion of God, I am now living a new life.

Friends come and go.  Family may not always be there, but God’s love for us is consistent, constant and infinite.

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My Defining Moment

I have another blog I do at and it is actually where I started blogging.  I recently started concentrating on my health, something I have neglected for decades.  I removed all my past posts so that I could start fresh on my journey for better health.  Here is my first post on my journey……….

I never realized it until recently, but I have been playing Russian Roulette with my life. For the past couple of decades I have been battling borderline diabetes, high blood pressure, renal failure and a couple of heart stents just to mention a few issues. It’s not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously, but it’s the psychological battle that has kept me from choosing a healthy life.
My life for as long as I can remember has been a battle. A battle for acceptance. A battle for direction. A battle for respect, but most of all a battle for love. I have come to realize that most of my relationships in life were and are conditional. My best gauge of this is my current situation in life. I became a reduction in workforce in March and I’m still seeking employment. I went back through my emails and phone calls to see the last time I received an email or phone call from a friend. It has been over a year. The hardest part when your hurting is loneliness. It’s amazing how quiet my life gets when I’m of no value to people.
So this is where I am. This is my life. Unhealthy, unemployed and unhappy. Yes there are some positive things in my life. My wife is still with me, but I know the stress of all of this is getting to her. There is my daughter and my granddaughter that keep me going, but it hasn’t been enough for me to turn my life around.
Recently I realized I was putting way too much emphasis on everyone else’s happiness, that I forgot all about myself. I realized I was killing myself for everyone else and hating myself in the process. My list can go on and on with the negative issues in my life, but to be honest, it is time to let it all go.
I have been following a change of life program, not a diet, the past few weeks and I’m having some modest success. I am changing the way I live MY life and putting the focus to me, something I’ve never really done.
So here’s to me and my new focus. Here’s to me and creating the improved me and the healthier me. My journey is just begging and it is one I plan to continue the rest of my life.

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It Is All His

I’ve heard what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.  I’ve heard things are always at their worst before you receive God’s rewards.  I have also been told God won’t give you anymore than you can handle.  How much of this is true, I don’t know, but one thing is for sure, for me to mentally, physically and spiritually survive at this point in my life, I can only pray that they are.

Here is my current short list:

  • Caring for a elderly legally blind widowed father-in-law
  • Caring for my elderly father with Alzheimer’s and dementia
  • Dealing with my unemployment and struggle to find a job

Just to name a few.

My one bright shining light is my faith.  The peace and comfort I truly feel come from my faith in my Heavanly Father.  The faith I know He is there.  My faith that He IS there to protect me and guide me. The faith to trust He will deal with all that I have turned over to Him.  I can tell you doing that is the BEST thing I have ever done.

I turned my job situation over to Him as soon as it happened.  I have not stressed, I have not worried and most of all He has provided all that my wife and I need.  He is preparing me for greater things and I’m starting to think greater than I ever could have imagined.

I feel myself being called to do things that I NEVER imagined myself doing.  Leaving my comfort zone and putting myself out there.  Putting myself out there to let the world know I’m flawed.  Yes world I’m saying it “I’m not perfect.  I am a sinner.  I battle my sins everyday”.  To all of you that are perfect, “God Bless you”.

I have a long road ahead.  I have a lot of life to live.  I have a lot of life to share.  To free myself of my burdens to Him is a start for my heavy burdens become His and His burden is light.

Matthew 11:27-30 “All things are delivered unto Me by My Father, and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal Him. “Come unto Me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” 

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A Little Break

Dealing with some big issues.  Could use some prayers.  I’m back to begin posting again.

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Charting a New Course – Part 4

My sole purpose when I started this blog was all about recharging my faith.  Getting that spirit back in me that was filled with unquestionable faith in God.  I wanted to know that no matter how my life was going, I would have faith that God is there to guide me.  I feel I achieved that a couple of months ago.

I realized the other day that I have been so focused on my relationship and faith with God, there’s nothing wrong with that, that I totally forgot all about my faith in others and myself.  I have been so hurt and abandoned by so many over the years, there are just a few people left that I have any faith in.  I have allowed so much to happen to me that faith in myself has gone to an all time low.

I have worked hard for the past two months to find new employment with one heartbreaking rejection after another.  I have messed around with my own health neglecting to do what I truly need to for better health.  I have failed to give it my all in helping those that truly depend on me.

The road the past several years has been a rough one.  I’ve watched my parent’s lives fall apart.  I have watched my career and life take a nose dive.  I have watched my family suffer one life altering situation after another and let it chopped away at the faith I had in myself.

It’s time I get faith back into myself.  It’s time I once again trust in myself and my abilities.  It’s time I have the faith I need in myself to make the  major changes I need to turn my life around. 

I will need time to regain the faith and trust I once had in others.  I have many wounds that need to heal and they will with time.

I continue my journey, heading on a new course.  Working on the things I need to work on and knowing I have the most important tool I need.  My unquestionable faith in God.


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Charting a New Course – Part 3

I know change is hard when you are undoing decades of damage.  What really strikes me is how personal others take it that you’re turning your life in a different direction.  They let you know how insulted they are, especially when the “Yes’s” come much slower and the “No’s” come much quicker,

It makes it tougher when you are already fighting  your own personal battles.  It becomes more difficult when those you should be able to depend on feel indifferent to whether you are happy or not.

My next phase in my new course is transformation.  It is time to become both mentally and physically healthier in my life.  Decade of a mental web to untangle is going to call for a physically strong body to help the mind.  I have neglected myself in so many ways over the years, I need to become stronger to regain the faith in myself.

I lost my focus that it is God that has prepared my destiny.  Not other people, not even myself.  I have been listening to God and He is sending me in directions and in situations I never would have imagined.  I am doing and planning things that even weeks ago were beyond my wildest dreams.  The interesting part of it all is tha it feels so right.

The transformation has begun.  The power of faith and optimism is overwhelming.  Our God is GREAT!  Our God is GOOD!  Our God LOVES US ALL!

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