My Defining Moment

I have another blog I do at weightingtobe.com and it is actually where I started blogging.  I recently started concentrating on my health, something I have neglected for decades.  I removed all my past posts so that I could start fresh on my journey for better health.  Here is my first post on my journey……….

http://www.weightingtobe.com

I never realized it until recently, but I have been playing Russian Roulette with my life. For the past couple of decades I have been battling borderline diabetes, high blood pressure, renal failure and a couple of heart stents just to mention a few issues. It’s not that I haven’t taken any of this seriously, but it’s the psychological battle that has kept me from choosing a healthy life.
My life for as long as I can remember has been a battle. A battle for acceptance. A battle for direction. A battle for respect, but most of all a battle for love. I have come to realize that most of my relationships in life were and are conditional. My best gauge of this is my current situation in life. I became a reduction in workforce in March and I’m still seeking employment. I went back through my emails and phone calls to see the last time I received an email or phone call from a friend. It has been over a year. The hardest part when your hurting is loneliness. It’s amazing how quiet my life gets when I’m of no value to people.
So this is where I am. This is my life. Unhealthy, unemployed and unhappy. Yes there are some positive things in my life. My wife is still with me, but I know the stress of all of this is getting to her. There is my daughter and my granddaughter that keep me going, but it hasn’t been enough for me to turn my life around.
Recently I realized I was putting way too much emphasis on everyone else’s happiness, that I forgot all about myself. I realized I was killing myself for everyone else and hating myself in the process. My list can go on and on with the negative issues in my life, but to be honest, it is time to let it all go.
I have been following a change of life program, not a diet, the past few weeks and I’m having some modest success. I am changing the way I live MY life and putting the focus to me, something I’ve never really done.
So here’s to me and my new focus. Here’s to me and creating the improved me and the healthier me. My journey is just begging and it is one I plan to continue the rest of my life.

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It Is All His

I’ve heard what doesn’t kill you will make you stronger.  I’ve heard things are always at their worst before you receive God’s rewards.  I have also been told God won’t give you anymore than you can handle.  How much of this is true, I don’t know, but one thing is for sure, for me to mentally, physically and spiritually survive at this point in my life, I can only pray that they are.

Here is my current short list:

  • Caring for a elderly legally blind widowed father-in-law
  • Caring for my elderly father with Alzheimer’s and dementia
  • Dealing with my unemployment and struggle to find a job

Just to name a few.

My one bright shining light is my faith.  The peace and comfort I truly feel come from my faith in my Heavanly Father.  The faith I know He is there.  My faith that He IS there to protect me and guide me. The faith to trust He will deal with all that I have turned over to Him.  I can tell you doing that is the BEST thing I have ever done.

I turned my job situation over to Him as soon as it happened.  I have not stressed, I have not worried and most of all He has provided all that my wife and I need.  He is preparing me for greater things and I’m starting to think greater than I ever could have imagined.

I feel myself being called to do things that I NEVER imagined myself doing.  Leaving my comfort zone and putting myself out there.  Putting myself out there to let the world know I’m flawed.  Yes world I’m saying it “I’m not perfect.  I am a sinner.  I battle my sins everyday”.  To all of you that are perfect, “God Bless you”.

I have a long road ahead.  I have a lot of life to live.  I have a lot of life to share.  To free myself of my burdens to Him is a start for my heavy burdens become His and His burden is light.

Matthew 11:27-30 “All things are delivered unto Me by My Father, and no man knoweth the Son, but the Father; neither knoweth any man the Father, save the Son, and he to whomsoever the Son will reveal Him. “Come unto Me all ye that labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn of Me, for I am meek and lowly in heart, and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For My yoke is easy, and My burden is light.” 

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A Little Break

Dealing with some big issues.  Could use some prayers.  I’m back to begin posting again.

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Charting a New Course – Part 4

My sole purpose when I started this blog was all about recharging my faith.  Getting that spirit back in me that was filled with unquestionable faith in God.  I wanted to know that no matter how my life was going, I would have faith that God is there to guide me.  I feel I achieved that a couple of months ago.

I realized the other day that I have been so focused on my relationship and faith with God, there’s nothing wrong with that, that I totally forgot all about my faith in others and myself.  I have been so hurt and abandoned by so many over the years, there are just a few people left that I have any faith in.  I have allowed so much to happen to me that faith in myself has gone to an all time low.

I have worked hard for the past two months to find new employment with one heartbreaking rejection after another.  I have messed around with my own health neglecting to do what I truly need to for better health.  I have failed to give it my all in helping those that truly depend on me.

The road the past several years has been a rough one.  I’ve watched my parent’s lives fall apart.  I have watched my career and life take a nose dive.  I have watched my family suffer one life altering situation after another and let it chopped away at the faith I had in myself.

It’s time I get faith back into myself.  It’s time I once again trust in myself and my abilities.  It’s time I have the faith I need in myself to make the  major changes I need to turn my life around. 

I will need time to regain the faith and trust I once had in others.  I have many wounds that need to heal and they will with time.

I continue my journey, heading on a new course.  Working on the things I need to work on and knowing I have the most important tool I need.  My unquestionable faith in God.

Peace

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Charting a New Course – Part 3

I know change is hard when you are undoing decades of damage.  What really strikes me is how personal others take it that you’re turning your life in a different direction.  They let you know how insulted they are, especially when the “Yes’s” come much slower and the “No’s” come much quicker,

It makes it tougher when you are already fighting  your own personal battles.  It becomes more difficult when those you should be able to depend on feel indifferent to whether you are happy or not.

My next phase in my new course is transformation.  It is time to become both mentally and physically healthier in my life.  Decade of a mental web to untangle is going to call for a physically strong body to help the mind.  I have neglected myself in so many ways over the years, I need to become stronger to regain the faith in myself.

I lost my focus that it is God that has prepared my destiny.  Not other people, not even myself.  I have been listening to God and He is sending me in directions and in situations I never would have imagined.  I am doing and planning things that even weeks ago were beyond my wildest dreams.  The interesting part of it all is tha it feels so right.

The transformation has begun.  The power of faith and optimism is overwhelming.  Our God is GREAT!  Our God is GOOD!  Our God LOVES US ALL!

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Charting a New Course – Part 2

Becoming numb to so many things is a terrible feeling.  When your emotions take such wide swings in so many directions in such a short time, you just want to shutdown.  One minute you are working for a Fortune 500 company, your daughter is getting married in a month, you have a wonderful granddaughter and your elderly father is comfortable and being taken care of.

The all of a sudden, “BAM” you become a reduction in work force.  You worry about finances and meeting your commitment to your daughter’s wedding.  Your dad is becoming increasingly worse and you feel yourself nosediving.  You realize the bind you are in and the lack or non existent help you have from family and friends.  You begin to judge your own character and why you find yourself all alone.

You spend way too much time analyzing EVERYTHING, trying to find fault of why things have turned out the way the have.  You realize your living a life that is not yours but one created by those around you.  You realize the bending, twisting and stretching of your life that you’ve done for everyone else, you realize that you’ve broken your own life.

It’s the moment you realize it’s time for drastic changes, the realization you are allowed to peace, joy and happiness.  The three things that you allowed to be taken from your life by so many others.  The pain of realizing that you allowed it to happen.  Yes I am in control of my own happiness and no one else.

It’s being aware of the struggles you face battling to not just to regain your life, but just having a life.  There are people that will resent the fact I am seeking my own life, but that is their cross to bear.

It’s hard to describe how fatigued I am.  I don’t feel helpless or defeated, I just feel ready to conquer my own life.  I believe I’ve done enough for others in assisting in their lives, it’s time for me to focus some on me.  

I know I have many battles ahead of me and Jesus will be beside me all the way.  My Holy Father wants nothing but the best for me, but I must do my part to receive it.

Ecclesiastes 3:12

12 I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live;

My life isn’t bleak.  It has its highs and lows.  I do know that I got to fulfill the dream of all fathers who have a daughter.  I got to dance with her at her wedding.  God is good.

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Charting a New Course – Part 1

This post may get long, I might even have to split it up into multiple posts, we will see.  I started this blog a few years ago when a life that was already a struggle got even worse.  My goal was to bring back the faith that I once had not just for my almighty Father in Heaven, but the faith I had in myself.  Fortunately and unfortunately I have succeeded at half of this.

I feel closer to God than I have in decades.  I now realize there is a plan and need to continue working on the skills I need to fulfill that plan.  Do I know what the plan is, no, but as I see my life moving in a direction I never would have imagined, I know Someone else is guiding it and it’s not me.

Over the years I have posted about anger, hate, fear and the hardest one regret.  I have discussed love, joy and happiness.  The subject I always come back to is faith.  Faith for many reasons has been a struggle in my life.  To me faith has a few ingredients like trust, respect, honesty, sincerity and dependability.  This is no official definition of faith, just mine.

I lost faith in others several years ago because I really had no one in my life that I would say fit my definition.  I had most people in my life “abandon ship” when things fot tough almost ten years ago.  Many people don’t mind being around to watch a “train wreck”, but they don’t want to hang around and help clean up the mess.

I have struggled greatly through that past several years of my life. I have put on a great front for the world to see, but it gets harder and harder everyday.  It is so easy to ignore people when they are down, we don’t want to catch what they have.  It’s harder to step up and offer our assistance not knowing how it will inconvenience our life.

it’s easy sitting at home surfing the internet, staring at a TV set or any other pleasure we have in life.  Hard is sitting in a hospital room with a parent that has NEVER been there for you as his memory slips away.  Knowing every time he wakes up from one of his short naps it’s like you just got there.  Knowing that he has no concept that you have been there, but you want him to see someone familiar when he wakes up in his confused state.

I have have made some tough decisions in my life that have been life altering and not for the good.  I have been paying the price for many many years and see no other choice but to change the course of my life.

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