He is an Angel

I haven’t posted in a loooooooong time. Over the past three years I have lost my mom, my father-in-law and my dad. Life has taken such a downturn that just when I think I’ve reached rock bottom, I find another sinkhole in my bottomless pit of despair in my life.

Grief and depression have consumed my life. I’ve had loss in every aspect of my live. Finances ruined. Career destroyed. A life full of hopelessness and no thoughts of ever having the joyful life I always imagined. Yes, imagined. I remember glimpses of happiness, but to say pure joy, my mind is a blank. I know I’ve posted about joy and finding joy, but another topic for another day. Today is about one of the little angels of my life, my grandson Sam.

Sam is our five year old grandson. He originally came to us as a foster child to my daughter and son-in-law. The hopes was to adopt since mom had issues and dad wasn’t originally in the picture. Through some trying times in his first year, he was officially part of the family.

Sam had some trying times in the beginning due to his birth mother’s substance abuse. It was touch and go at first with a couple of close calls, like the champ he is, he pulled through. Knowing all he has be through from his birth makes this moment of sharing even that much more special.

My wife found a charm of the Virgin Mary that she wanted to add to her necklace. She showed it to my daughter and she offers to buy it for her for Mother’s Day. My daughter ordered it from a local jeweler and received it right before the big day. When my daughter saw it, she wasn’t sure it was the same one that they saw in in the magazine. My daughter decided to give it to her a day early so she could return it on Saturday to get the correct one.

My daughter gave it to and the grand kids were present. My wife opened it and loved it, but this is where the Hand of God comes down to pat us on the back and remind us of His Presence and used Sam to witness to the adults.

Upon seeing the charm, Sam looks at my daughter and says, “That’s Mary.” Keep in mind Sam doesn’t attend Sunday School, has attended pre K’s at a couple of churches, but keep in mind he is a hyperactive 5 year old. Yes that’s Mary, he was told. He informed everyone that she was his first mom, she took care of me before I was born. Then she gave me to, (birth mom’s name here) and then she gave me to you mommy. Wow, knowing all that he went through, there is the answer Mary was there to protect him through those touch and go times.

What an inspiring witness if it jus ended there, but it doesn’t. Sam continued to witness to the time before he was born. He let everyone know it wasn’t just him and Mary there he let us know God was also there. Yes God was there but as Sam said, “God was there along with those two dudes.” The two dudes? Not God and His Son. Not God and other people, but God and the two dudes. Yes Sam was in the presence of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit. How amazing.

Sam’s witness continued, but the point was made. This child was greatly blessed. When things could have gone so badly, the Highest power was there to protect him. Through the words of a child life can change in an instant. My anxiety has lessened. Fear and despair have basically vanished. To hear this child’s witness had changed me in a wonderful way. Thank You God for bringing this child into my life.

I Have Forsaken Him

Life has been so difficult for so long. Life has actually lacked life. Every aspect of life is in turmoil. Anxiety is killing me and depression is the norm. I find no joy in everything because I’m consumed by all the negativity that is consuming my life, career, finances, family, but most of all my relationship with God. Yesterday I found myself on my knees begging and pleading for God’s help. I always hope for that miracle or at least His voice to speak to me to give me hope. I felt nothing other than the loneliness and sadness that has consumed my life.

Today my mind is still on that moment of pleading with God. I keep listening and looking for His communication. The silence is still deafening and I’m lost and need to find my way. I keep coming to the conclusion that it is all MY fault. I know God doesn’t forsake us, but have I forsaken Him? I’m looking for the answers and praying for relief. To get started I searched the internet about forsaking God and like everything else we search, results are all over the place.

I did land on a great post by Kathy Howard, https://www.kathyhoward.org/have-you-ever-forsaken-god/ .

• Doubted God’s goodness, faithfulness, or provision during times of difficulty
• Forgot that God was in control and took matters into our own hands
• Failed to give God glory or recognition when He answered our prayers
• Didn’t remember God’s past mighty works or intervention on our behalf

All I needed to see were these four bullet points. I thank God regularly, but is it habit or a true gratefulness. I forget God is in control because my life seems to be controlled by so many others. I try to thank God for what he has done, because I know things can always be worse. I always forget His previous works because I have never learned to appreciate what I do have, I only stress and anguish over what I don’t have or have lost.

I sit here in life on the verge of possibly losing everything. The last 10 to 12 years of my life have been on constant slide. I have lost the faith of others in me. I have even lost faith in myself. The anxiety that mentioned earlier is consuming me. Yesterday I sold my mom’s house. The house that was our family home for 50 years. I feel the panic run through me as I type this. I need help. I need hope. I need God.

Like every problem it is time to find a solution and my solution needs to begin with God. I am lost, I need to be found. I am hurt, I need to be healed. I feel alone, I need to feel loved. All of this can happen and it can happen if I establish a true relationship with God. I not only need this, I WANT this. Now that I know where I want to go, I need to figure out how to get there.

The biggest difficulty I find is opening up my heart. A lifetime of having the inability to truly build relationships has kept me from truly establishing one with God. I never truly felt love from my parents. I believe my mom loved me, I just believe her life was so hard that she had the inability to show it. She spent her life spending money on me and my siblings, but never giving us the emotional support needed in life. Her and my dad never gave my siblings the tools to cope with life. We never had the discipline needed to develop life’s skills. We were never nurtured in a family environment full of the love needed to develop emotional skills for life. I am the third of 6 in my family and have communication with only my younger brother. I’ve had no communication with two of my siblings in over 10 years. It is all a tragic shame.

I know my dad doesn’t like me. He mentally made life tough on me. He has told me repeatedly that he doesn’t like me throughout my life. The sad part of this is that I am the one that has taken care of him for the past 9 years. He was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and dementia. My mom and siblings abandoned him at that point. I has been difficult and now that his memory is totally gone, I am a stranger that he is always nice to whenever I visit.

I told you all of this to let you know where I am coming from. I never received the love and direction from family that would help set your life in the right direction. I have spent my life trying to figure this all out and have failed dramatically. I have a hard time accepting the fact that there is a Higher Power that wants for me to have all that I missed out on life and I can receive that through Him.

I have a lot to change. I have a lot to work on. I have a lot to look forward to. I know I can’t do this alone, I need to find resources to help me achieve this. I need to learn to TRULY pray. I need to open my heart and let love in. I need begin the healing of loss and realize I can’t change the past. I need to break the chains of my family and begin to cherish those that have stood by me.

I know things may get worse before they get better or will they. I need to start now. I need to place my relationship with God above everything else. If I truly put God where He should be then the rest will take care of itself.

God,
Please forgive me for forsaking You.
I have been lost, wandering aimlessly through this thing called life.
My empty heart and prayers make me feel ashamed.
My lack of thanksgiving to You for the good in my life leaves me embarrassed.
I ask of You, in front of all that may read this post, to forgive my for all my sins and that
You heal me of all the mental anguish that I suffer.
I ask that You fill my heart with Your love.
I ask that You lead me in the direction that You have have intended for my life.
I know I have a lot of work to do to get my life in the right direction, so
I ask for the knowledge, strength and courage to accomplish this.
I am truly sorry for my transgressions and feel blessed by Your forgiveness.

In Your name I pray
Amen

Hello Stranger

He sat down across the table from me. After some polite introductions, we started to unravel the reason for my visit. My name sounded familiar, but he couldn’t quite place where he had met me before. Our conversation kept going in circles. His confusion kept growing by every sentence that we spoke. It was heartbreaking, but a conversation overdue.

It had been over a year since we had sat down and had a real conversation and what a difference a year makes. The person across the table from me was my dad. COVID had kept him isolated from family for over a year. This was the first chance I could visit him since quarantine. Physically he was in great shape. mentally a total stranger.

My dad and I use to go out once a week for dinner and shopping, sometimes some type of entertainment. Over the past year he lost his ability to use his phone. Lost his hearing aids and memory of his past. He had battled short term memory loss for many years, but witnessing the loss of his long term memory was even tougher. I can’t imagine the feeling to not recognize anyone, but yet feel all is fine.

My dad has never really had many visitors during the eight years he has now lived in assisted and memory care. I’m the only one of his six children that has visited him on a consistent basis, which is strange for being the child of his that he never really liked. The history of him not wanting me goes way back to the beginning. I was his third child, he only wanted two. He almost left my mom after my birth because she broke the two child rule. If it wasn’t for my maternal grandfather stepping in and reading him the “riot act” he probably would have left.

Since he stayed, what the heck, let’s have three more. After me a set of twin girls, perfect my mom wanted girls, guess where her attention shifted to, yes no longer me. A few years after them, my little brother, the baby is always the baby. So my dad had his two sons. My mom had her girls and in the middle of all that existed me. So there is the story of my childhood, now back to the present.

I have cared for my dad since his Alzheimer’s diagnosis 8 years ago. I have been there every step of the way, bad and not so bad. I have watched the decline and the memories of a life time just fade. It’s so hard to witness and even worse to think is this my destiny. I’ve watched those that fed off of him for decades just vanish into thin air. I’ve watched those that blame him for their train wreck of a life celebrate in his demise. It’s heart breaking to watch anyone be treated this way.

Our last visit. April 2021

I don’t understand why anyone can walk away from their own parent and consider them self a Christian. I remember my dad arguing with me shortly after placing him in assisted living. He couldn’t understand why I had him locked up. After assuring him he was free to come and go as he pleased, that wasn’t good enough. He reiterated that he didn’t like me and I didn’t like him and didn’t understand why I was doing this to him.

I told him it’s because God told me to. It’s in the top ten rules. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.” The man who dragged me off to church every Sunday for 18 years responded, “You still believe in that “crap”? and he didn’t say crap. I told him yes I do and he is lucky that I do. Here I am eight years later still believing and having a discussion with a man that not only doesn’t remember our conversation, but doesn’t remember me.

I thought long and hard about our visit when I left. Is it worth me visiting now if it is only going to confuse him? Of course the answer is yes, keep visiting I know what is right. The memory may be gone, but inside his soul still exists and it hungers for everything all souls require, that is love. The love of strangers. The love of friends. The love family. But most of all the Love of God. What better way to show God’s Love than to be there and reassure him the He does love him.

Whatever It Takes

You never realize how far your life has come until you find yourself at 2:00 am sorting through a box of various sizes of 64 bras at a warehouse for a large company. Yes that is what my life has come to. Three years ago I took what eggs I had left in my basket and through them all in to purchase a franchise of a fledging company. I wasn’t looking to own a business but after several months of failing to find work after years going job to job because of layoffs, I panicked.

Now three years later the business is failing. My finances are embarrassing and I haves failed my wife and myself. I realize all of my mistakes and I can’t go back and change what has happened. I buried my head in the sand. I let debt pile up and go unchecked. I became someone I don’t know and I don’t like. I have made so many poor decisions and have alienated myself from so many that my life has turned upside down. I feel I have been in a coma for several years, just woke up and have no idea how I have gotten to this point.

I went deeper and deeper into depression. Anxiety began consuming my every waking moment. I felt everything was a total loss. The guilt of what I had done and the things I failed to do to protect my wife and myself was killing me. With nowhere else to turn and knowing I needed income, I gave up my weekends to sort boxes in a warehouse.

I haven’t given up on my business. I have too much invested and I’m not giving up on myself. I have feared failure all my life, but when I really stopped to think about it, I have been failing myself my entire adult life. I’ve allowed myself to be used and misdirected because of the mental issues I suffer that went undetected and corrected. The hardest thing in correcting something is not realizing the issue exists. Life has hit me hard upside the head and I need to correct so many things and correct them quickly.

My blog started with recharging my faith in my Holy Father. Several years ago I struggled with my faith. I have worked hard in regaining my faith and He has led me back to Him. The hardest thing I have have come to realize is I have lost the faith in myself. I have let the stresses and people in my knock my my faith from me. I see it affect so many aspects of my life and I know that’s not truly me. I know there is so much good and potential in me that I need to stop and bring it back out.

I have a plan to accomplish this. I am doing the things I need to do to deal with the mental aspects of my life. I’m working hard to breath financial life back into my family. I learning new insights and methods to breath life into my business to prosper and grow. But most of all, I working with my Lord God to recharge the faith in myself. I know my faith in God is the most important aspect of my life, but to have faith in myself is what God wants for me.

Hebrews 11:1 Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.

Romans 10:17 So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ.

I have a lot of hard work ahead of me. I have a lot of great days ahead of me. I need to keep my eye on the ultimate reward with my Father. I need to do what is right while in this life. Whatever it takes to get there, but faith is the base from where my new life WILL be built.

God Bless

Hope, Hope and More Hope

The song just hit me right upside the head, I’m sure most everyone has that experience. I can’t even start to explain the dark place that my life has gone to, but it is a place I never imagined I would be. I’m on the verge of losing everything, mentally, physically and spiritually. I have struggled with employment for over 10 years. I’ve been from job to job being laid off on different occasions. Self esteem, confidence and faith in myself had gone out the window.

I had officially gone over 2 years without a paycheck struggling to make my business work that I have placed everything I have plus into. Standing by and watching everything I’ve ever had just slip away. The fear and anxiety that was overwhelming was physically killing me. I felt so alone and so lost. Faith and hope were far gone and I knew the universe was against me. I had nowhere to turn. Years of prayer. Years of waiting for that moment for God to turn my life around. Years of spilling out my heart to God and looking for answers were totally unanswered. Sure I’ve had my “God moments” in life, but I found myself starting to question even that.

Hours of nightly meditation. Books on anxiety and confidence. Looking deep into myself can I truly find a way back. Do I really believe God doesn’t care and I’m out here so alone and lost. Does He really care I have wrecked my own life by my decisions and actions. That all of those around me have lost faith in me including myself. That I’m getting hit from all sides and waiting for the next shoe to drop. Life is heading to a total collapse and God is nowhere to be found. Lost, confused, alone, depressed, faithless and sad life. Never in a million years did I ever think that would be me, well it happened.

To wakeup everyday wondering how am I going to get through today. Everyday wondering who will be ringing my phone or sending me letter to remind me of the deep financial hole that I’m in. Who will make the comment of “see I told you so” or “I knew this would happen to you” just one more time, like I haven’t heard it enough. Then there is the comment that sends the largest dagger through my heart, “See, I told you shouldn’t have done this” Well people you did, you did and yes you did. But guess what, I did it and there has to be a reason for it. I went into to this believing I was called to by God and guess what, I still do. Yes I have Hope and in order for me to have hope, I MUST have faith and I do.

Today I heard that song. I tuned in a contemporary Christian station and heard this song for the first time. I’ve don’t know hold old it is. Never heard of the performer, but it spoked to me in a way a song hasn’t reached me in a long time. “Haven’t Seen It Yet”, by Danny Gokey. WOW, WOW, WOW. Talk about feeling that God is always with me good and bad, this song let me know it. The Light in my light and the Light in my darkness is my God. Always directing, always moving, always caring, always saving, always speaking and always loving, yes my God. No I may not have seen it yet or did I and just discarded it. What I have realized over the past couple of weeks is God only does so much, there is plenty of work for us to do. I have neglected that. I’ve learned to accept my limitations. I need to admit my wrongs, make amends and move this life forward. Realize even in my darkest moment I may feel lonely, but I am not alone. He IS with me.

“Good things are coming even when we can’t see.”

“Hallelujah for the victory.”

Father’s Day

Another Father’s Day and my day is chalked full of exciting events. I’ve just completed mowing the yard and I’m ready to work on cleaning out my work vans. My dad sits in an assisted living facility with no means to communicate with the outside world. He has lost the mental capacity to use his phone and has lost his hearing aid during this virus lockdown.

With all this said , it doesn’t really matter. This day lost meaning to me a long time ago. Yes I’m proud to be a father, but with one child and her having her own family miles away from us, I understand she does show me her love. No I’m talking Father’s Day with my dad. I have cared for him for over eight years now. Yes I picked up the pieces that my mom and siblings threw to the curb a long time ago.

I’ve cared for years for the man that ridiculed me, blamed me for all the bad in his life. He let the world know that he only wanted two kids and I was number three. He played the part of funny friendly man to the world, only to come home and take his anger out on me. He was a great supporter in my bad self esteem. He always let me know of my mistakes, my weight, my inability to ever amount to anything. Thanks dad.

My dad blamed me for everything from my mom being placed in a hospital for a mental breakdown, to the financial demise of the family. He let me know when I was ready to move back from Florida after no longer being able to afford it, no one really wanted me back there. That’s tough.

This is so hard. Hard to admit. Hard to see physically on a post. I’ve posted about some of this before, but it never gets easier. I think the recent loss of my mom makes it even more difficult. Not that she was really there for me, but I watched my mom give all of the riches to my siblings.

The hardest thing for me is I look back on my life is the difficulty of growing up parentless with parents. For many it is probably hard to conceive parentless parents, but they do exist, you could probably ask my daughter and she could say the same thing.

I sit here repeating history. Destroying my own life because of my anger towards others. I have continually surrounded my self with people that have a hard time showing their true emotion just as I do. It hurts and it hurts a lot.

I know I can truly throw my thoughts an emotions out on this site. One because no one reads it and two I have somewhere to check my thoughts. I’m working on getting better, I have for over 10 years now, if I were honest, it has probably been my whole lifetime.

So for you that have an earthly father to celebrate or you are one of them celebrated by your child(ren), HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!

Damn Virus!

Tough times we are living. I have personally suffered and seen so much loss over the past few months. It seems I have experienced more loss during this time, than I have the rest of my life put together. The fear, anxiety and grieving I’m facing makes functioning on a daily basis very difficult, very hard. On February 29th, I lost my mom after attempting to fight back from a broken hip, stroke and congestive heart failure all in a matter of a few months. My aunt passed away two days after my mom. A couple of days after my mom’s “Celebration of Life”, the battle of Covid-19 started. As I mentioned before I am considered an essential service, I own a computer/technology service franchise.

In Memory of My Mom
Martha Diane Brown
God called you and you were ready.

I went a few weeks with the attitude, “Must not be too bad, I don’t know anyone that has it.” Yes famous last words. Not too long after my thought, my attitude was quickly adjusted. I learned a friend of mines dad had contracted it and passed away. I also learned that his stepmom and older brother contacted it, they through the Grace of God survived. The next blow was even tougher. I learned that a childhood friend of mine contracted it and was hanging on for life in an induced coma. On Easter Sunday, he passed away.

Now that the reality of it finally hit me. What should I do? Do I keep going out helping others, or do I quarantine and ride it out. I finally decided I’ll lay that decision at God’s Feet. Let Him show the way. The following day I had my first full day of calls in a couple of weeks. While making my calls, taking all protective cautions that I can, something happened on two calls in a row. I had two older ladies who had computers down and these computers are their connection to the world. Another point that they both shared is that they were both going through chemotherapy, how could I not help. There was my sign.

My wife, well she is an essential employee at a hospital, obliviously not somewhere we want to be during these times. We also have my 91 year old father-in-law living with us, we have to protect him and he is very confused by what is going on, his dementia is getting worse. I have my 86 year old dad that I care for, he suffers from late stages of Alzheimer’s and related dementia. He is in assisted living and is very confused and upset by the current situation because of him being locked down. No visitors, no leaving the facility.

So yes fear and anxiety are consuming me. Grief is tearing out my heart. These are difficult times we are living. So whether it is fear, anxiety, grief, loneliness, sadness or something else that might be tearing you up. Always remember, we are in this together and need to be there for each other. You must always remember God is in control and He will get us through this

Prayer from http://www.crosswalk.com

Pray to God with each sunrise.
“Father, thank you for this new day. Though I don’t know all the challenges I’ll face, I know You will be with me and You are my hope. You are my strength. You will give me wisdom as I seek Your perspective in Your Word. I pray for those who are hurting or lonely today—that you will comfort them. I pray for those who are ill—that you will heal them. I pray for those who are concerned about what may come in the next uncertain hours—that you will grant them peace as they trust You. Thank you for being our safe haven and solid refuge because of the work of Christ and the Holy Spirit working in us. Amen.”

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/crime/north-central-athletic-director-paul-loggan-dies-after-battle-with-coronavirus/ar-BB12wCEk

In Memory of My Friend
Paul Logan

Heartbreak

I realized the number of posts that I have started and never completed over the past several months. I am a caretaker for my dad, Alzheimer’s and dementia for the past seven years. My 91 yr old father-in-law, severe dementia, lives with my wife and I. If that isn’t enough, my mom fell and broke her hip last October.

As if the broken hip was enough, she coded in the ER. She was placed on a ventilator and shipped to another hospital. She was operated on after several days while still on the ventilator. A few days after the surgery she removed the ventilator herself. That’s what someone who was a nurse for 50 years does. Luckily the break wasn’t severe and she should fully recover with rehab.

Off to rehab she goes. She was in rehab for six days when she suffered a stroke. Once in the ER she coded again. I was asked several times if I wanted to let her go, not my decision, I didn’t know her wishes. After a couple of weeks in the hospital it was back to rehab for her. The stroke seemed to only affect her speech and some memory no paralysis, back to rehab.

This time rehab lasted 5 days before congestive heart failure and a body full of water, back to the hospital for a four day stay and then off to a new rehab facility. This time she lasted six days and then they decided to move her with a lift. As soon as they did, she coded. Back to hospital and time to rethink this.

She was next moved to a specialized rehab inside of a hospital, good plan until after one week she developed c diff. So after two more weeks there she is sent to another rehab facility where she was making progress until oxygen levels dropped and CO2 levels rose. Now I’m informed she has COPD and maybe it’s time to think about hospice.

This is just dealing with parent’s issues. I’m one of 6 kids that my parents have. My parents divorced 7 years ago after 50 plus years of marriage. I’ve mentioned before I’m the sole caregiver for my dad and my siblings haven’t seen him for over 8 years. Remember my dad has never liked me or wanted me, he just wanted two kids and my two older brothers fit that bill, yet I’m the one caring for him.

My mom, well she wanted girls and guess what, a couple of years after me, she had twin girls, yep you guessed it, mom got want she wanted and I didn’t fit the bill. Decades of two spoiled older brothers, decades of two spoiled sisters and I had to fight and scrap for what I wanted. I never learned discipline. I was never taught the ways of life by my parents.

My siblings have financially ruined my mom. She is a broken lady beaten down by life. She is lost and confused at this point and is dependent on me the unwanted one to fix her problem. To see that she’s cared for. To figure out her finances and and what needs to happen next. The vultures, my siblings, are circling but realizing everything has been picked from the carcass and there is nothing left.

I go thru all this to get to my point. Today I was contacted by the rehab facility to tell me how bad my mom’s lungs are and maybe it’s time for hospice and let nature take its course. Make her comfortable and let go. I informed the facility that I will think it over and let them know in a couple of days.

It’s heartbreaking. I have no one to really discuss this with other than my wife, which is good, but strange when there are so many siblings out there. It’s heartbreaking that I don’t have anyone that will just come up to me with true affection and love and just hold me. I do feel alone. I do feel a great disconnect with life.

I know God is with me. I know Jesus has His arms tightly around me. I could use a little worldly love right now. Heartbreaking.

Grown Man Crying

I’ve always known something wasn’t right. I have always had this emptiness that nothing could seem to fill. I have battled a lifetime with this feeling and have never been able to figure it out.

I lived my life as a child living in fear. At the age of three I was very sick and doctors said it’s because I wasn’t potty trained. I would go all day without using the bathroom, I had to, but I couldn’t when I tried. By the end of the day I would be in great pain and then relieve myself in bed at night. My mom finally got a doctor to listen after a year and I had kidney and bladder issues. Surgery corrected it, but the fear stayed with me.

I tell you this to show the early age of my fears, my pain and my feeling of no hope. This and so many other childhood experiences launched me into a world that was different from the “norm”. On the outside I played the part, watching others and mimicking their actions, their behaviors. My parents were to busy to raise six kids so they made their choices and unfortunately I wasn’t one of them.

I survived, that was it. I was ready to leave the nest, believing I was ready to conquer the world. I half heartedly made my way out. Unprepared, unaware and unguided, I headed out to make it on my own. My parents unwilling to help me I was like the fledgling eagle being dropped from 10,000 feet. I made it to the ground flapping my wings , but not quite sure how I made it.

I never really figured out how to soar on my own because unlike the eagle, I lacked those instincts. I have spent a lifetime giving enough to fly from tree to tree to sit and look majestic, while I watched so many others soar over me.

I always did enough to play the part, to get by. I always did it feeling empty and alone. I always tried to figure out what is wrong with me, I’ve been from counselor to counselor and never have really felt improvement. Over time I began to see I was making poor decisions but not realizing it. They started out small and became larger.

I think once I was told that maybe some type of program would help. Unfortunately like most things for me too expensive and too much time away from work. A missed opportunity, but one of many in my life.

I tell you all of this to bring you to current times. Over the summer I became very ill. Blood sugar spiking in the 500’s “unknown” reasons, to ending with renal failure. Physically I am fine, blood sugar is normal and under control, kidney functions are better, still have the damage from childhood. The issue I have is the “unknown” cause.

I talked with my counselor because with my health, my finances and my long record of poor decisions, something was wrong and I knew it. The thought of finding out the issue physical or mental scared me to death, but it had to be done.

Result STRESS, severe depression, anxiety and ptsd. My head is a mess. It was hard to admit this was my problem, but now I can admit it. Seeing how severe it is, I quickly got into an intensive outpatient program. I have just begun this long journey knowing I can’t change my past, but can work on a brighter future.

A lifetime of poor decisions, poor relationships, poor parenting and a life as a child, teenager and adult of no one really telling me my issues need attention. I feel like many, I fell through the cracks.

With all this said, there has been one constant, that is God. Yes I have been through a lot of internal and external pain and suffering. I have struggled through a life that has passed quickly in a lot of misery, but my faith has always given me hope and today I tell you my faith is stronger than ever. My faith in my true Father, God. My prayers bring comfort to me. To see He has directed me to where I am now is a miracle in itself. I can tell you just a few months ago I was lost and felt I had nowhere to turn to, now I have a new start.

This journey will by no means be easy, as a matter of fact it is the hardest thing I have ever done, but I will make it. As I sit hear crying, no my personal and financial problems just didn’t go away, but with the help I’m getting and placing it in God’s Hands, I know I will survive and prosper.

Dear Heavenly,

Thank you for guiding me in my new direction. Your guidance, though sometimes painful, shows the love You have for your children. I ask You to reach out to everyone, no matter what their illness may be and give them peace and comfort. Your presence in my life gives me the strength to battle on. Thank You again for the love of a true father

In Jesus name I pray.

Amen

Does EVERYTHING Happen for a Reason

She asked me one more time, “Are you getting up and going to the gym with me?” Now keep in mind I did tell her the night before that I would. Of course that time came and after a terrible night sleep I wanted to trade a couple more hours of sleep for a trip to the gym, sleep won.

Once again I made the easy decision not necessarily the better decision. I woke up when she returned home. I realized then I’m doing the same thing I have done for most of my life. I took the easy way out and I once again placated someone. I’m not sure why I do these things other than habit a habit I’ve had all my life.

So as I began to wake up this morning I realized my placating is my personality. I placate my wife, my customers, family, friends and even myself which led me to my major revelation, am I placating God? T

I developed this terrible habit at a young age. It is shield, my protection and my tool. I needed it to be liked. To fit in. I needed it because I had no real identity. When you are an overweight child that isn’t really wanted by your own family, you have a hard time finding yourself. Yes I had friends, but I was the fat funny ugly friend. The one always invited last to most events. This is no slam on myself, I can admit it. This is what led me to my poor coping skills.

I pray, I pray A LOT! What I’m concerned about is am I placating God? Can you placate God? My opinion is no, because He is Truth. Does my placating upset Him and that is the reason my life is a wreck? Am I living the wrath of God in my own way because of placating? Probably because He wants truth. He wants words from the heart not the head. He wants us to reach out to Him as my Holy Father and ask for guidance and direction. I do have a family that cares, but it’s not of this world.

I have a lot of work to do and it starts with me. I have connected with the right people to help me get my life on the right path. I know that everything happens for a reason, but always look closely at the cause.

I didn’t go to the gym this morning, I chose sleep. But when I woke up, I truly woke up. I once again realized my wrong in placating my wife. I knew God was once again shaking His head at me. But through my guilt and these words I’ve typed, they just flowed from my heart. The words I believe God was placing there.

I have a long hard road ahead of me. I know with God’s Love & Mercy and maybe a miracle or two, I will prevail.

Dear Heavenly Father,

I know I have done so much wrong. I look to You to please help guide me on the journey I’m about to undertake. I look for nothing more than Your Mercy & Love to guide me from this point forward.

I am asking You to forgive for all I have done in the past. It is truly with a heavy heart that I realize how lost I have truly been. I look for a brighter future so that I may truly experience the joy and happiness that you wish for all of your children.

In Jesus name, Amen

God bless all of you!